Lessons In Dating Learned At The Dog Park

I was at the dog park the other day with my two favorite dogs I don't own, Molly and Bentley. M and B are two of the most awesome, gorgeous Golden Retrievers you will ever meet. While watching them relate and play at the park with their fellow dogs (and humans) something dawned on me: Dating should be as simple for humans as it is for dogs.

Maybe there is something to this butt sniffing thing. With dogs, they sniff once or twice and if there is no interest, they move on! They inherently grasp the concept of "they just aren't that into you" and it only takes a minute! With humans it takes days, months, years! Why do we hold vigil with Blackberry in hand, thinking he'll call.....email...text! Dogs don't! Yet, they never seem to manage to find ways to breed, if they are able.

I think that's the secret to dating. One sniff...or date...and that's it! One and done! Wish it was that simple, or isn't it? We will see because I am going to quit threatening to do it and jump right into online dating! I have a couple of free accounts and some of them are actually generating interest so keep an eye on this space and i'll let you know how it goes! Maybe my dark haired, hysterically funny, brilliant, civic minded, borderline geeky but wickedly talented guitar player is out there on Yahoo personals. Stranger things have happened! Just check YouTube for verification of that!

:)

Musical Friendship

I have these friends. They aren't friends in the "lets hang out and have coffee" sense but they are my friends through the music they make, the music that has been the soundtrack for my life for the last 21 years.

When Bon Jovi broke onto the music scene in 1986, I was out of my mom's house, getting my first apartment and trying to make my way in the "real world". Their first album "Slippery When Wet" became a hiding place from all that was scary about that real world. I would put that album on and hide behind the good time, nothing is wrong with the world feeling in their music. Their music has been my solace ever since! In the 21 years we have been friends we have gone through successes and failures together (their successes are a little more immense than mine but it is what it is). They have gone through girlfriends and marriages, I have gone through roommates and friends. They have toured the world, I have toured Southern California trying to find the perfect place to live (Chatsworth is the winner). Through it all I could always depend on them to be there and took pride in the feeling that I would always be there for them. Or would I?

A funny thing happened on that "Lost Highway". Something that I never thought would happen. While waiting to see how Richie Sambora's tabloid romance would shake out and how far into Country the band was going to go, I found a new soundtrack. One that is bluesier, funkier, newer! It is a sound I haven't heard before. It's a sound played from the heart, not the wallet and it has me completely addicted! To top it off, it comes complete with tabloid romance all it's own so my US Weekly subscription wouldn't go to waste! A new musician discovery! Cute, young! A funny, smart, environmentally conscience blogger! ANOTHER FREAKIN GUITAR PLAYER!! Yikes! I swear...crack couldn't be more deadly to me than a cute, funny guitar player!!

While I was diving in, finding all there is to know about my new musician I let my friends sit on the sidelines. While catching up on 8 CD's/EPs and various live shows, the release date for the new Bon Jovi came and went with barely a notice from me! I switched up my MySpace page to say "hey, look at this new thing I found"! My mornings were spent Googling to see if this was the hour John and Jessica TRULY broke up for good. Who has time to watch all those Bon Jovi appearences that are stacking up on the TiVo? Not me! I am in the discovery phase, that time in a new crush where it's all new, interesting, unknown. The fun part!

Maybe this has less to do with the new musician discovery and more to do with the fact that I was afraid this was it for me and my friends Bon Jovi! Maybe I was in denial about them "going country". What if they did and I would have to disown them! What if this ment that the band "sold out" for the cash and stopped being true to themselves? I felt guilty! I am deserting my friends! They have always been there for me, why am I bailing on them? I have more than one real friend, I can have more than one musical friend! So I finally bought "Lost Highway" (three weeks after release date...**sigh**....never waited that long before). I put it in at the beach and listened. To my extreme relief, it isn't country at all! It is the same Bon Jovi I have loved for 21 years! Catchy rock with hooks that reel you in and not let go! YIPPEE!

In full honesty I must admit that I only listened to it once all the way through and then put "Continuum" back in where it's been since June 10th! Here's the thing: Bon Jovi music is like my favorite warm blanket. I may not use it all the time but I do like knowing you can pull it out whenever you need it. I like knowing I can depend on the comfort that their music has always provided and will continue to do so.

I no longer worry about deserting my musical friends. I have always felt that the mark of a true friend is if you can pick up where you left off after not speaking for a while and the friendship sustains you as much as it always did! When you can do that, you know you have a true friend. Bon Jovi are and always will be my true musical friends.

Going Green

From the time I got my drivers liscense to now, my favorite stress release has been a drive to the beach. I would drive with all the windows down, stereo blaring, talking to myself and God. Sometimes I wouldn't even get out of the car. Just being at the beach restores my soul and helps me get back to that place in my head where I am glad to be alive.

I went on a drive like that today. I wasn't stressed out for me, I was stressed out for the beach, the mountains, the earth in general! They may not be here much longer! I believe that global warming is a reality and WE ALL need to chip in and start doing something...ANYTHING...to stop this problem from getting worse!

I watched more hours of Live Earth last weekend that I thought possible but I am glad I did! It made me more aware of the enviornmental crisis than I was before! The situation was always in the back of my mind. I have had "Inconvienent Truth" saved on TiVo for months but God forbid I give up watching "E News" or "Access Hollywood" to educate myself! I think that I haven't done anything up to now because I have an "all or nothing" mentality. I do. If I can't do it all, why bother! I think many of us have that view of this crisis. We think that it's too overwhelming or that we are too deep into it for anything we do to make a difference. That isn't true!

The great thing about helping to stall the enviornmental crisis is that you don't have to do it all. You don't have to go out in your $30,000 Prius with your canvas bag to buy your $20 lightbulb and then come home and unplug your phone charger, while powering down your laptop and getting rid of all your bottled water! Well...........doing all that would be awesome but pick one or two and stick with it for awhile! I bet it will spur you on to do more! I bought the canvas bag at my Trader Joe's and I keep it in my car to use! I bought one for my roommate, too! I take my own mug to Starbucks. I am not ready to give up bottled water (I live in L.A., after all) but I reuse the one bottle for a week by filling it up from the Arrowhead dispenser at work (they don't care....already asked). Next payday, going to buy a couple of the lightbulbs. I figure if I use them in the lights we use themost, like the bedroom and the porchlights we leave on at night, it would save not only energy but money on the electric bill as well!

I have always felt incredibly blessed to live in Southern California and the main reason for that was the beauty of the outdoors! We have some of the most amazing mountains, beaches and deserts all within a couple hours drive of my house! To think that may all be gone in my lifetime, not my grandkids lifetime but mine, is incredibly sad! Isn't preserving that beauty worth a $8 lightbulb? I think I can sacrifice a couple of latte's and buy some lightbulbs to keep my stress releasing beach spot!

Pirate Karioke

They say if you face a fear you can make it disappear! It's true and in Catalina I proved it by doing something I am deathly afraid of: singing by myself in public! I know I can sing but have only sang in groups...large ones! I have auditioned solo and a cappella but needed a week to recover from the massive amounts of Xanax needed to do so! It's silly! The interesting irony about the fear is that I have this burning desire to do it all the while breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about it! So I asked the pro singers I know how to get over myself! The resounding advice was Karioke. Just sing in front of people by yourself until it's not a big deal! What a better place to do this than on a island where you can leave the scene of the crime and all it's witnesses behind!

That is exactly what I did! I hung out in a bar with the frat boys dressed as pirates and looked fear straight in the eye! It wasn't going to stop me! Besides, if I sucked, I wasn't in a place where I knew anyone! Perfect! So, I fought the fear, stayed sober and in the two hours I had to wait (by myself by the way) I just visualized rocking the song! What did I sing? John Mayer's "Body Is A Wonderland"? Ha ha...no way! If I had the talent to do a Mayer tune, it wouldn't be that one! Bon Jovi's "Living On A Prayer"? Nope, frat boys took care of that one early in the night! I sang a great rendition of Bonnie Raitt's "Something To Talk About"! I know it was great because the DJ told me "Great Job" and the frat boy making goo goo eyes at me throughout the tune slipped me his phone # as I stepped down off the podium (he was way under this cougar's hardline rule of 30 being the bottom line...damn). Phone # was a bonus! The feeling I got after doing this was amazing! In that little bar I proved to myself that I can push fear to the side and do what I want to do! I can't wait to do this again! I am going to grab anyone crazy enough to do this and head out this weekend to sing in some other dive bar! Wahoo!

There is something really freeing about tapping into my inner Pat Benetar! It got me to thinking that since I have done what scares me the most, what else is there to conqure? Dating......yikes! I know for sure that the only way to make a fear disappear is to face it head on and deal with it! Dating can't be scarier than singing and shaking your money maker in a bar full of drunken frat boy pirates but I am hoping it can be more fun!
:)

CATALINA!!!

Wahooo! Tomorrow we are off to Catalina Island for the 4th! I can't wait! 4 days of nothing but bike riding, margaritas and lounging on the beach! I am going to write the intellegent and wildly funny novel that I will be publiclly appalled that is categorized as "chick lit" while I am secretly negotiating the movie rights with Nora Ephron so she can turn it to the next "Chick flick". (something about older woman falling for younger rock star..go figure!). Then I am going to read the last 3 weeks Us, Star , Entertainment Weekly and In Touch! After that, I'll take a spin around the island in a golf cart looking for that funny, intellegent, hot single musician who will love me for my wit and my mind, not my.....never mind! If he's a hot single musician who's interested in me, WHO CARES WHY!!!

There might be time for bonding w/my roommate who I have been just passing lately while we take turns in the bathroom. There might be time to take stock in how life has been treating me so far this year and where I want it to take me the next few months. There might be time to thank God for the blessings that happen in my life everyday and will continue to happen! There WILL be time to thank God and our troops for continuing to fight the good fight in the name of democracy and freedom! It's is 4th of July, after all!

Whew! I have a lot to do over the next 4 days! And it starts today with laundry, packing and going to work! Relaxation starts tomorrow! WAHOO!

Happy 4th everyone!
:)

The Hollywood Hills Are Alive!

I love....no, make that LOVE living in LA! There are so many things unique to this town I don't know where to start! One of my favorites happens every summer! It brings young and old, straight and gay, musically inclined and not together for one evening under the stars. I am talking about the "Sound of Music Sing A Long" at the Hollywood Bowl!

I pride myself on not only being a dyed in the wool rocker but a music lover in general. This is definately in the "general" category. It is too much fun to resist! The "Sound Of Music Sing A Long" is hard to describe but imagine taking Rocky Horror and placing it in the Swiss Alps. Replace Tim Curry with Julie Andrews. Take that whole thing and place it in a drive-in that holds 16,000 people and you kind of get the idea! The film is shown on a huge screen stretched across the Bowl stage and the musical numbers have subtitles so everyone sings along! There are props they give us, like edelweiss and no one is shy about using them! There is an air of "Mystery Science Theatre" as people shout out comments that are for the most part hysterical! Hissing at the baroness, sighing at cute little Gretel! My favorite though comes courtesy (this year) of my friend Terri. At the end of the movie before the captain sings "Edelweiss" a hush falls over the Bowl. It is then that she yells in her best hockey yelling voice "sing a song about flowers". I almost died laughing!

My fave moment came courtesy of the boys dressed as nuns. As I was walking back from the bathroom they came up and offered me forgiveness for the cleavage my top was showing! HEY! That dude on Oprah says always walk out of the house dressed like you are going to meet your dream man! So I did! I just didn't know he'd be a nun....or gay! Doesn't matter, i'll take the complement wherever I can get it since one of the nuns said if he left the convent and turned straight he'd do me! ROTFL!!!

This night is so fun! We are going to make it a tradition. Next year we are all going to enter the costume contest. Look out!

You Say Stalker...I Say Fan...Potato, Potahto

For the last two + years, I have been dabbling with unrequited love. It was the most enlightning, exciting, frustrating, crazy, excruciatingly painful learning experience I have ever been through! I learned more about me within that experience than I ever thought I could. And for that, I wouldn't change a thing about it. I am, however, glad it is over! While I am taking time to recover, reconnect and pull myself together, I find myself in familar territory! I have retreated to the comfort and safety of the celebrity musician crush!

Celebrity musician crushes are easy! No miserable first date! Instead of exploring each other while dolled up in ridcously high shoes at a restaraunt you wouldn't normally be caught dead in, engaging in less than intellegent conversation, you explore on your own in your jammies! Just you, your crush and Google! Google doesn't judge, care about your weight or lead you to wonder "I wonder what he thinks of me". There is comfort in it being one sided for the most part. The celeb "loves the fans" and you are free to explore that love unconditionally within the anonimity of him not knowing you from adam. That's fine because this way, you control the amount of love that goes out. You decide if the love goes out at all! If you aren't happy that the crush can't make up his mind about the Pop Tart he's with, not with, with, not with, you can roll your eyes in indignation without having to hear the lame defense of why the intellegent, talented musician is dating the "actress". It doesn't matter! You, in all your internet surfing, US magazine reading glory know for sure BOTH reasons why he's dating her! You can sit on your bed, laptop at the ready and laugh knowing that you are smart, funny and yours are REAL!! She maybe a celeb but you have those 4 things ALL OVER her! See...celeb crushes can be as catty as the real ones!

Celebrity musician crushes are pure fantasy and after being rejected face to face, the fantasy is a welcome diversion to my reality! In my fantasy, the guy is turned on by the fact that I am smart and funny, not because I worship him or have a huge rack! In my fantasy, the crush plays guitar just for me, not for every girl in the bar (or arena). In the fantasy, the crush is a communicator supreme who listens as well as he speaks. He doesn't call me to talk at me for hours on end, not letting me get a word in edgewise!

This latest celeb musician crush came at me from completely out of the blue! Totally unexpected but entirely welcome! It's new, exciting, fun! Just like the beginning of a real relationship! However, like a real relationship, this one hasn't disappointed me or broken my heart. I doubt it will.

I am not crazy single girl! I am just welcoming the reminder God has sent to remind me that life is fun, exciting, cool! I have 9 toes grounded in reality while I am dipping the one in the sublime fantasy world of the celeb musician crush. Don't worry! I am starting to look for the real thing! I haven't retreated that far deep. The cool thing is, thanks to the latest celeb musician crush, I will have an awesome soundtrack to play in the background of any romance, real or fantasy, that comes my way!

Random Thoughts While Waiting in Jail In Vegas

*I wish I got into John Mayer early enough to see him at Mandalay Bay. I wish I had the body to get his attention and the guts to kidnap him and take him to that bar where people hang half-naked from trapezes. You have your Vegas wish, I have mine. Mine doesn't involve millions of dollars unless John and I are rolling around naked in it! Thank God what happens in Vegas.....

*I am not a fan of change or am I? I am a fan of change the noun. Especially when it is pouring out of a slot machine into a metal tray, making that "ching ching ching" sound that hit you between the eyes when you walked into any casino! The change I am not a fan of is the verb. The change that results in taking away something cool like the "ching ching ching" sound and what causes it! Slot machines in Vegas now dispense paper slips that you take to a machine to cash in for paper money. No more buckets of coins so heavy you can't carry them to the cashier, no more trips to the cashier for that matter. No more grubby, yucky hands from scooping up all those quarters and putting them in the bucket. No more having two buckets full of quarters, swearing you would stop after you went through one and leaving w/only half. No more "ching ching ching". No more of one of the things that makes Vegas charming. Change sucks.

*Most of Vegas is about getting you into the casino to spend your money. Except the bathrooms. In the bathrooms, you can stand for hours waiting for the automatic toilet to flush, then wait forever for the automatic soap to dispense before waiting endlessly for the faucet to turn on. And just when you think you might get out of there before Steve Jobs develops the chip to implant in our brains to make cel phones obsolete, you wait forever for the automated paper towel to dispense. I swear, the random cactus in the parking lot was looking like a better bathroom option than this! I know it's probably more sanitary to have all the fixtures do our work for us, but this is ridiculous!

*I am not cool! Oh, I try to be! I listen to cool music, watch all the cool TV, read up on what's trendy. How cool I truly I am became glaringly apparent this weekend in Vegas when I got excited over two things: seeing Donny Osmond and the fact that the Star Wars slot machines are about the coolest thing ever invented! Sure, I could have seen sweating, grinding pretty boys from Austrailia strip while putting $$ in their g-strings. I could have attended any number of Cirque Du Solei shows. No......Terri and I almost spontaneously combust over seeing that Donny is town. In my defense, it was cool to like Donny....when I was 7! In his defense, he put on a great show! Not sure it should cost more to see him in a Vegas lounge than it does to see John Mayer at the Hollywood Bowl but it is what it is. And what it is is a good time! I will say I may have been a tad bit embarassed to "stage door stalk" him but it did make me feel young as at my advanced age, I was easily among the youngest there. It was made worthwhile when Donny wished me happy birthday and asked with a wink if it was the 29th! And they do call it Puppy Love!

*The Star Wars slot machines rocked my world. They play the music, R2 talks to you and when you get three characters in a row, an appropriate film clip plays on the bar line! When you get the bonus, the Death Star spins and it's the coolest! Laugh all you non-believers but I trusted the Force and turned my $5 into $40!

*There are no more $5 buffets in Vegas. There are, however, $5.95 lattes and 24 hour Starbucks right out the door of the elevator in the hotel. A even trade-off if you ask me!

*Johnny Reznick was playing in the car everytime we got into it this weekend. Not literally but that would have been a wish equal to the one involving Mr. Mayer. Nope...this was on the radio. Wish LA radio was like this!

For these reasons and many more, I LOVE Vegas! Can't wait to go back in August....to see Donny....*sigh*! I am learning to embrace my inner geek! :)

Could I Possibly Have A New Fave Guitarist?!?

Could I have a new fave guitarist! Move over, Sambora! It is possible that after 21 years I have a new favorite! He's funny, he's smart, he's sensitive, he's wickedly and amazingly talented! AND HE LOVES DOGS! Forget guitarist, could he possibly be the perfect guy?

Shan calls me two days before the John Mayer show at the Bowl and says "I just got a call! We are invited to the meet and greet". I must admit, I was excited as it was going to be a cool experience but not excited in a "OMG...I LOVE John Mayer" kind of way!

That certainly changed AFTER the fact! This was by far and away one of the COOLEST things that have happened to me! 5 people and their plus one got the call and they were all nice people! John was a sweetheart! Looking back I kind of feel bad because it seems like we were the only two talking but once someone asked him about his dog it was on! He seemed fine with chatting while signing so we talked about how he did in Vegas, the upcoming Police show and our dogs. He said he was happy to have the kinda of dog that "doesn't eat raw metal" (Golden Retriever) and I got a plug in for the misunderstood Rottweiler! I won't bore you with every syllable that was spoken but you can believe I remember them. He signed for everyone, took pictures and was amazingly nice!

Then he went out and put on one of the most amazing shows I have seen! Since all I have heard from him is basically the (overplayed) singles, I had no idea what an amazing guitar player he is! And that ability was on full force at the Bowl! Mayer plays with such emotion and feeling that you wonder, at 30, where he is drawing it from! The place was filled with blues loving wine sippers who love John's work with BB King as well as the soda drinking female squealers who only wanted John to tell them how their bodies are a wonderland. That might be John's biggest strength: that he can produce music that appeals to both of those factions!

From the meet and greet, to the awesome seats, to the glorious atmosphere that is a summer show at the Bowl, to the amazing music it was a WONDERFUL night! Thanks a million to my friend Shan who made it happen! You ROCK

Marking Territory

It is two weeks since St. Patricks Day and I have been struggling to figure out how I feel about what happened that night at the bar. This morning, as I was walking Codi, the sweet girl dog I am sitting for, it hit me! As Cody lifted her leg on the bush in the neighbors yard and peed, I realized just like that bush, territory had been marked on St. Pattys Day at Oh Gradys. Only it wasn't with lifting a leg, it was with lifting a finger.

"The Girlfriend" walked into the bar on St. Pattys and asked if I wanted to see her "Valentine's Day gift. Before I could say "not really" she shoved a ring in my face. To add to the humor of the situation, she then proceeded to try and convince someone that the ring didn't mean anything. What I am not sure is who she was trying to convince, herself or me.

What upset me was not the actual ring or her not so subtle intent in flashing it at me. What upset me was that I was forced to face the reality that the ring obviously meant something to the giver of the ring and that is what has me thinking about this "friendship" I have with him. Sure this isn't the first time and most likely won't be the last. But a heavy dose of reality can be a good thing if you finally get out of denial and see something for what it really is.

Sure he and I are friends and fairly good ones at that. We support each other in our dreams. But we aren't the sharing deep dark secrets type of friends. If we were, I wouldn't have found out about "the girlfriend" from people who saw them out in the parking lot doing God knows what on the night of my birthday. I certainly wouldn't have found out about a ring a month after it was given by "the girlfriend' flashing it in my face. My female intuition tells me that he gets the emotional support from me and the physical support from her. Maybe, maybe not! But is that all I want from this "friendship"?

This ring has made me face up to the fact that ok...fine...yes, I haven't really gotten over him and ....sigh...I was holding on to that romantic notion that someday it will hit him that we are meant for each other. We aren't...and he isn't! He isn't going to have that lightning flash moment where he realizes that the girl he's been waiting for was right under his nose all along. Well....he might but that girl isn't going to be me.

They say the truth will set you free and it has in this case. I feel liberated and free to go on looking for the man that will adore me and worship me like I did Band Boy. I am free to look for a man who isn't a control freak. I am free to spend weekends doing something other than sitting in that bar trying to impress upon Band Boy that I could be the adoring girlfriend. I am free to not drop what I am doing to reply to his emails. I am free to set boundaries in my friendship with Band Boy without worrying that he will think of me as something other than the good friend I am.

Yes, the truth will set you free when you finally face up to it. And much to the joy of my friends who are tired of seeing me struggle with this, I am free at last!

Jovi Road Trip #3

There we are, three sleep deprived Bon Jovi fans, tooling down the Jersey Turnpike looking for our hotel with Shelley at the wheel and a english challenged hotel owner on the cel. You can't make a u-turn in the state to save our lives, no one lets you merge and hotel dude is telling me to follow the signs to the 109! It is twenty minutes later, when I feel like I am in a bad Twilight Zone episode that we finally see signs to the ONE AND NINE! It is then that I realize these Jersey trips are like childbirth: frustrating to go through but when you are done all you remember is the joy! "You travel all the way here to see them" is a much asked question when natives inevitably find out we are from California and Georgia. The resounding answer is yes, given with huge smiles on our faces!

Lucky for us we aren't there solely to navigate the highways and byways of the Garden State. We make the trip to mecca to see the Jovi boys on their home turf! In their backyard! For the Bon Jovi faithful, there is no better place to be when the guys play at home! For any band, the hometown shows are special and for Bon Jovi and their fans, those shows are at Giants Stadium! The Meadowlands! These shows have closed out the last three tours and have become must see in the land of Jovi! The band is on, there is electricity in the air and this year that was even more true with the lightning! It is cool to say that I was there for both "rain" shows that have taken place at Giant's the last two tours! In 2003, the band played on as we all "took a shower" together! This year, due to the lightning, the band came out for the 1st encore, sped through "Livin On A Prayer" and called it a night 20 minutes early! Despite the shortened show, it is a great feeling to know you are a part of something special, rain or no rain! The shows are great and a huge reason why we go. But they aren't the only reason! There is definite joy in seeing the place where your heroes grew up! You feel a connection seeing where Tommy and Gina grew up, went to high school,worked to pay the bills before the music thing took off! Seeing the homes they grew up in and the ones your concert money helped them buy today is great! You might call it stalking when you see my pictures of Jon's house from outside his gate. I call it seeing where my money went! If I hadn't spent all that money, maybe I could actually afford a double scoop at Crazee's! But knowing that I, in some small part, helped pay for the boat that is attached to the dock that is outside the massive chateau that Jon lives in somehow makes it ok! :)

The last couple of tours we have thrown in side trips into NYC! The first time, I was a little nervous! This native Southern Californian has heard all the stories of how crowded and dirty NYC is and how rude the people are! After my first trip, I couldn't imagine where the stories came from. Ok...i'll give ya crowded...maybe dirty! But the people are some of the nicest and friendliest people you will meet anywhere! Including L.A! I venture to say the people here are ruder by far! I LOVE NY!!! The energy, the people, the cops! They don't call those strapping hunks "New York's Finest" for nothing! And where else can you chase people with shopping carts down an alley to buy Pink Prada bags for $20! Shelley chasing that guy with Cindy close behind is a sight i'll never forget! I think we ended up with 5 or 6 Pradas between us with Cindy coming in the winner with 3! Sure, they aren't real but neither was the $10 Rolex I bought 1/2 a block down the street! I stood there and laughed at the irony that the only thing real on me that day was my tan and my boobs! How un-L.A. of me!

Another huge reason to go on these trips is to be with friends! We don't see each other very often and being stuck in a car lost in NJ is a great way to reconnect! LOL! Seriously, who better to understand why the hamburgers taste better at the White Castle in Sayreville NJ than other Jovi fans! It isn't all Bon Jovi! We talked about crazy men and the women that love them...us! We laughted at other tourists and just all around had a great time! As Cindy and I hung out in Newark Airport for 6 hours after we dropped Shelley off, we decided to hang up our NJ shoes! SURE! It's only been a month and I have already forgotten the frustration of the turnpike and started counting down the years (then days) until I am back there again! This time I will know to look for the 1 and 9!

Change

They say sometimes to grow as a human, things must change. It makes sense. When you are comfortable, when everything is going great, when life is wonderful, why would you want to change, to grow? You don't! Change is scary and sometimes it hurts like hell!

Four years ago I went through one of the most painful changes in my life. My family decided to up and leave me! They all moved to Arizona and didn't even ask me to go! My mom was moving because financially she would be better off. My sister and her kids were going so they could help Mom with our aging Grandfather! I wasn't asked to go because my Mom and I don't get along.......to say the least!

It hurt.........big time! I can remember driving home after finding out! I was crying my eyes out, feeling very alone and unloved! These people were supposed to love me, be here to support me! Now they were saying "buh bye" without even a thought if I cared or not! But as God often does, he closed that door and opened another one!

The very weekend my family was moving, my friend Kellie invited me to go to church with her. She said I would really like the pastor that was speaking and really should check it out! I figured it would be better than sitting home crying so I went. The pastor speaking was great! He was dynamic, interesting and peaked my interest!

I became a hit and miss attender at the church. Each week I would walk in, listen to the music, and start bawling! I couldn't figure out why but started going back weekly. One Sunday, it finally hit me! That place, that church was exactly what I was missing! God would fill the hole left by my family leaving!

That afternoon I went to classes that explained what the church was all about. It was there that they introduced all the pastors, including the one that spoke in the service earlier. Turns out he is the Worship Arts Pastor....the choir director! I ran up to him after the class and introduced myself. I asked him about joining choir. He was very friendly and explained that choir required no audition! I was excited and made me feel very comfortable about joining a group of people I had never met. Choir became my family as did the church! I met so many friends! Families that welcomed me as one of their own! I lived for choir weekends! The music was contemporary and it was great to sing again! I was so amazed that something this fun was for the glory of God!

And that pastor? He became more than just a pastor to me! He became a friend. He was so instrumental in my getting my life turned around. He was the first person I met at RP and the first pastor I heard speak! He baptized me! He had faith in me and my testimony and asked me to share it with the congregation! When he trusted me with his kids, his house, his dog, he made me see that I wasn't the screw-up in those areas that my own family made me feel I was! He sat in his office and gave me invaluable advice many times! He and his wife helped me see the value in marriage and that they can work!

His family blessed my life as well! It was his wonderful wife that opened her home to our small group and made it warm and inviting! She taught me how to use our musical gifts to serve God with love and humility! Her smile and warm hugs made me feel great on many occasions! Their amazing kids have blessed my life with their laughter and the fun I have had with them will never be forgotten!

Well.......like my family before them, my church family is changing as well. That pastor and his family that I love so much are moving!! He is going to head up the Arts ministry for a large chuch about an hour down the freeway! Sure it's only an hour away! It's within visiting distance. But it's a change! The change isn't scary, it's the unknown that is a result that is scary! While the change is good for the pastor and his family, it breaks the heart of all of us that have served with them the last 6 years! This was their last weekend at church and I have never been a part of something so incredibly sad........and yet so rewarding! It hurts us to let them go but it is exciting to think of the new possibilites of who God is bringing in!

When I think back to how much it hurt to let my family move to Arizona, I smile! I smile because of all the the positive changes that came as a result of that move! I subsequently moved in with my wonderful roommate who is my best friend, mom, shrink and moral compass all rolled into one! I was also led to church where I found my loving church family! I became fullfilled.......whole.......never happier! And within that love and happiness, I found the courage to have the gastric bypass surgery that resulted in my 100 pound weight loss! So God took that painful situation and used it for good in my life! I have no reason to think He won't do the same with this situation as well!

I know it is for the best for all involved but if it's God's will.......why does he make it hurt so much!? Is it to make us more Christlike? Less complacent? I don't know! Change is difficult and it can hurt like crazy! But if we hang on comfortably to what we know, how can that allow God to work in our lives? It is the hearts and love of those moving that we will mis the most! Who's to say God doesn't plan on using us for that same purpose in someone else's life? Some new and lonely person may wander up to Rocky Peak and ask me about choir! :)

Faith is believing in what we can't see. Faith is what will get me through this change......and all the other changes that will happen in life! I will grow as result. I do know I am hanging tight to my faith in a God who only wants the best for all of us!

Happy To Fall Into The Gap

WAHOO!!! I am finally shopping in a regular clothes store! Cathy and I were walking around Hollywood and Highland with her daughter. I got a bright idea about stopping in the Gap just to see if anything fit! IT DID!!! I fit into a XL t-shirt but it still fit! I didn't even have to shove anything into it! It fit! Can I tell you how exciting this is? I can see this will be the start of my clothes obsession! Great! Just as I am getting out of debt!
:)

Reflection In Big Bear

A weekend in Big Bear! Just what the doctor ordered! I just didn't know just how much I needed that weekend until the drive home Sunday! Stressed out more than I knew over dissolving friendship with Michelle and friendship in question with Band Boy, I headed up to the Womans Retreat, looking for answers! Lisa confiscated my cel phone on the drive up so I had no phone and no TV until I got home.....yikes!! With no distraction, I was able to think and get a grip before my life veered completely out of control.

It was a great weekend for reflection. I thought about: friendships. The ones you ditch and the ones you keep. The kind of friends I want and the kind of friend I want to be. Obviously in light of what has been going on with me the last couple of weeks, it was a topic hot and heavy on my mind. So with my friends from my lifegroup we cried.......journaled.....prayed......and talked! And through it all the belief that everyone and everything comes into your life for a reason was reconfirmed in a big way! Some stay........some go.........but all touch your life and through lessons learned change it forever.

It was also a weekend for renewal. Spirtual and physical! The physical renewal came at the perfect place! The weather was gourgous! We hiked up a hill and I faced my fear of heights to do what they call the zip line. You climb to the top of a very tall hill with a harness on. They attach you to a cable and you run down the hill, lift up in the air and "zip" across this field to the top of a hill on the other side! The cool thing was last year I couldn't have even attempted to climb the hill, much less zip across a cable! I swear, I am an active girl trapped in a fat girls body! But not for much longer. The the need toget the rest of the weight off was brought right back to the forefront of my mind! Right where it needs to be!

The spiritual renewal came from being up there in the mountains with God and 176 women who came with issues all their own, no less severe to them as mine were to me! We had seminars, services and a big bonfire Saturday night! It was at the bonfire that they gave us paper to write on what we had learned and what we were leaving behind! We were to then throw it in a suitcase, leaving our baggage behind! I left behind jealousy, unhealthy eating habits and my fear of being single forever! It's all a work in progress but I feel much better about the journey!

I do have to admit, I was sitting at the bonfire Saturday when someone said "I can't believe it's 11:00! And I thought of Band Boy at Oh Gradys and I missed being there and wondered if I was missed! Then I realized it didn't matter! God brought me up to that mountain for a reason! The reason being to see that my relationship with Band Boy masks a fear of being single for the rest of my life! And to realize He has wonderful things planned and I shouldn't be afraid! Trust Him! His love is all I need.

This weekend made me realize a lot of things and the main one was the extreme need to get my life back in balance. Before this weekend I didn't know how to do it. Well, I did......but was just afraid that if I did, my friendship with Band Boy would suffer. What if I didn't go to a gig and wasn't missed? So what! Now I can totally see our friendship will suffer (and has to some degree) by me NOT balancing my life! I may not go to every gig......every night........9-1! That doesn't mean I am not supporting Band Boy or believe in him any less than I have before. It means I am working on being the kind of friend I would want to have and the friend I know I can be. That can only be accomplished by getting my life centered and balanced!

I need to trust God by not manipulating the situation! I need to let go and let Him work, not just in me but in Band Boy as well! Only God knows what path Band Boy is on and how I am getting in the way! I knew I was in moving in the right direction when I sat in the chapel before we left Big Bear and prayed. Not for me.......for Band Boy. I prayed that God would bring him the love of his life, the woman who is everything he dreams of and everything he deserves! He is so worthy of that........and so am I. So I prayed that letting go of this situation will allow God to work in both our lives and bring us what we want and need.

So if the objective of the trip was to get away, it was accomplished. If it was to reconnect with my lifegroup friends, it was accomplished in a big way! If it was to gain balance and centering......it is... in the process of being accomplished. I went wanting to reconnect with God, who loves me more than anyone. I went wanting to get peace within my head and my heart. On all levels, the weekend was beyond everything I expected. It was a true gift from God!

Crazy Arizona Girl

I will never forget where I was when I heard the news! My friend Howard and I were watching "Northern Exposure" when my sister came in with the news that we were going to have an addition to the family! I immediately cried. I couldn't wait to be an aunt again! Her sister, Alexandria, was such a joy that I couldn't wait to my new niece!

Brianna Marie Smith was born on June 27, 1992. She was a beautiful baby! Smiling, happy! And she is growing up to be a beautiful young lady! My only disappointment is that I live to far away to be the aunt I wanted to be! I can't be at her school performances or take her out for ice cream! However, that doesn't mean I can't be a part of her life! I love hearing about the boys, about school and I am VERY excited to hear that she is writing songs! I love getting the emails from her with jokes and fun things! With the internet, we can send mail instantly, view pictures and keep in touch! I am so excited that she is on myspace! Modern technology is allowing Brianna and I a way to keep up with each other!

Brianna is becoming a wonderful young woman! She has many wonderful adventures in store for her and I can't wait to hear/read all about them!

Help A Girl Realize A Dream!!!

I saw this on EBay and almost swallowed my gum:

http://cgi.ebay.com/CELEBRITY-LUNCH-WITH-STAR-MUSICIAN-JON-BON-JOVI-
Lunch......me.......Jon Bon Jovi, the subject of every dream i've had since I was 21!!! The man I most want to be stranded on an island with! Me, Jon, SPF 50 and a bottomless bottle of Patron Silver!! This lunch would be my chance to invite him to my tropical island slice of heaven!
Then I saw the opening bid, the current bid and definitely swallowed my gum! $9000!! With days to go, that thing is going to climb up to the 10s of thousands of dollars! What's a girl with a dream to do??

I got to thinking and sent this email to my friends:

Oh My Ever Loving God! Who has $20-25k and wants to donate to not only a good cause but to the "Help Cyndie FINALLY get her picture taken With Jon and Die a Happy Woman" fund!
http://cgi.ebay.com/CELEBRITY-LUNCH-WITH-STAR-MUSICIAN-JON-BON-JOVI-
Me.....two other people.............JON "MAN OF EVERY DREAM I'll EVER HAVE IN MY LIFE" BON JOVI! ARRRRGGHH!! Who's in??

I figure if I can find 20, 000 people to donate a dollar, I'm golden! Hey, Jeff! Wanna play at the "Help Cyndie Stalk Bon Jovi" telethon???Oh to dream! Now we all know what I would do with all the money in the world! Now the wheels are turning! If I could find 25--30 thousand people to donate a dollar i'd be golden! It's a tax write off!

Who's in.......donate to giving me time, no matter how short, with the man of my dreams! I have $8. I only need apx. $19, 982!!
:)

Always The "Smart Chick", Never The "Hottie"

I was in Manhattan Beach with my roommate and my mom yesterday! It was a gorgeous day to be down there! The sky was sunny, the water sparkly and all the dyed blonde, surgically enhanced women were out in force! As much as that is one of my favorite places in all of Southern California, it isn't the best of places to go if your self-confidence is a few notches low.
The funny thing is that the woman that got me to thinking about my less than stellar body wasn't even blonde. The beautiful woman that crossed in the crosswalk in front of me while we were stopped at a red light was a brunette. What got me to thinking wasn't her hair color. It was her killer body! I said to my roommate, who was riding shotgun in the car much as she does in my life, "If I had a killer body like that, Band Boy would like me". She says "No way! If you had a body like that, you would be such a bitch even I wouldn't like you". We laughed hysterically! What a perfect thing to say to stop me dead in my tracks! I was truly on a one-way trip to Pitty Junction! What the comment did, though, was make me wonder if I truly would give up who I am to make someone else like me! Not likely!

When men look at woman with a killer body, what are they thinking about? Is it wow, I wonder what she thinks of the war in Iraq? Do they stop and consider if she would be the type that would crash on the couch to watch the Laker game and ask for a beer and nachos? Do they wonder what she thinks of the new Poison retrospective CD? NO! I can pretty much guarantee what any man will be thinking of when they look at a woman like that. It has nothing to do with her mind what so ever!

I have never had the killer body! So I have had to make up with it by being the funny, smart girl! I have always had friends in bands and have hung out in bars and clubs since I was in high school. I have never had a problem getting attention from guys although it might not be the attention I am looking for. For the most part, I am seen as non-threatning to the ego. They sit and talk to me about brainy crap, get a boost to the ego before they go over to slobber over the hottie and ask for that booty call. Whats funny is when they come crawling back to me when she shoots them down! Whats not funny is when they leave to go hook up and I am left alone and sad, waiting for my hopes to be built up by the next sad fool to come along.

Here is deal: while I think I would like the guy to slobber over me, to look at me and go wow, to get the booty call offer, I wouldnt know what to do with it if I got it. The thing is I am not going to have sex before marriage. Its a deal breaker for me! Non-negotiable. So for any man to proposition me like that would be pointless and a waste of time for all involved.

Truth be told, I like being the smart chick! I love making people laugh! These are also qualities that I look for in men and qualities I wouldnt give up for anything! I think it is society that makes me think I want the other! I am made to think that I am less than desirable if I am not a size 0, Paris Hilton wannabe! Bull! The Paris Hilton's of the world are great if the booty call is all you want. But even a superficial guy is going to want someone eventually that can carry on a conversation! Even the biggest creep is going to eventually want someone to ask him about his day, to care less about themselves and more about him! That is where a brainy, funny, caring chick is going to look very hot!

I have to be totally honest here: if Band Boy only wanted me for my killer body, I most likely would have nothing to do with him! I love a guy who is smart, who is funny and would ask me how my day went. I want the brainy, funny guy! I am not going to give the superficial guy the time of day! I need an intellectual equal, a guy who can challenge me mentally and I can challenge him!

I am reminded of that bumper sticker: I may be fat but you are ugly and I can diet. The same holds true for being a funny, smart chick! I can diet, I can tone up, I could conceivably have that killer body! And I could have my music addicted, sports loving, funny and smart personality on top of it! Holding on to my beliefs and staying true to myself will only stand to benefit me and the man I eventually marry! That makes me a hot chick despite my less than killer body!

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

It's Friday night! Do you know where your guitarist crazed, otherwise sane but in this case totally wacked out friend is? Good because neither do I! I wish I could tell you i'll be at my local multiplex with all the others watching Mission Impossible:3. I really do! Sitting there with people kicking my chair, rattling their candy wrappers, talking on the celphones while watching that overpaid, scientology wacked Tom Cruise blow up stuff! That sounds infinately better then what i'll most likely be doing: sitting on a stool, nursing a beer, watching band boy play before he ducks out the door on a break with whatever skinny groupie of the night gets his attention!

Ok! Truth be told, I don't know for a fact that anything is going on once he does duck out on a break! The fact of the matter is Band Boy spends a lot of time trying to convince me that he goes home and crashes after a gig...alone! A lot of time trying to convince me that the skinny groupies are all old "friends" from back in his Sunset Strip days. A lot of time trying to convince me that while he isn't lacking for female attention, he isn't interested in sacrificing his goal to make it to Nashville for something temporary! A lot of time trying to convince me that his oat-sowing days are over.

All I know is that flirty chatter with co-workers never involves me and the skinny groupie interest of the night will never be me. It sucks! I know I am the one he talks to about dreams, goals, what could have been and what could be! I don't imagine he emails the co-worker he flirts with about Kofi Anin wanting U.S. intervention into world affairs but he does me! Ok... I know I am turned on by the intellectual type so I wouldn't want it any other way! But would it KILL him to say I look cute?? EVERYONE ELSE DOES! He knows I know this will never happen for us so could he freakin throw me a bone once in a while???

I am stuck between not going and giving him the groupie-equivalent of the finger or going and have a good time despite how I feel I am enabling myself. I am allowing myself to wallow in this misery! When Mike, my Manhattan Beach bartender crush, made it clear we were just friends, all I had to do to get over it was to stop driving 60 miles r/t to the bar. I can't do that with Band Boy unless I quit my job! At least I sit in front of him and not in back of him where I would be sitting all day, shooting daggers into the back of his shaggy blond head with my eyes!
He is playing me, plain pure and simple. Regardless of if he realizes it or not, he is enjoying the intellectual banter of the smart girl yet interested in playing around/flirting with the skinny chicks. He knows I am upset so he offered to burn me a CD that he thought I would be interested in. He knows that gets me every time and this is the first time in a month or two he's done it. Coinsidence that it's happening this week? I don't think so!

I can't help who I like and neither can he! I get that! That is why I don't want to take this out on him as it is my issue! I don't want to burn the friendship as he truly is an awesome friend and a great guy.......mostly! But he is, after all, a guy! And we know which head guys think with.......even the non-guitar playing ones who aren't chick magnets!

I'll go! I'll be supportive! I'll be his friend! It's what I do best! And apparently, if I want male attention at all, it's what I will be doing the rest of my life!

Taking Up Knitting

I love Grey's Anatomy! The frustration, the joy, the humor......it all parallels my life! Right now, the character I am relating to the most is Meredith. Not the slutty, dating a hot vet Meredith, unfortunately! The frustrated, giving up on men, trying to be celebate by knitting Meredith! I think she might be on to something, giving up men for knitting! We both found great guys. Her's turned out to be married, mine turns out to just want a friend. Both men are fine with just being friends while Meredith and I struggle with this despite what we tell ourselves and others.

I am a very spirtual person. I believe in God and am more than willing to let Him lead in all areas of my life! He can even have this one! Please God........please tell me what to do with this relationship/friendship! Dump it because it isn't what I want it be? Stick with it to see what it might be? Be content with what it is? All I know is that what has been clear to my friends for months has now become clear to me: this "friendship" is more of a game than a relationship! I am being "played". I have known it deep down but refused to see it. Now I feel like I am being smacked upside the head with it and I don't like it one bit!

He makes it clear that it's important to him that I go to his gigs.......then sneaks off with redhead claims girl on the breaks. He tells me the heartfelt stuff and then turns around and gleefully tells me how this cute girl tells his friend "if you don't make a play soon, i'll just go after him". Well.....if the object here is to make me jealous, it works! I get it! He's popular with the girls and clearly not interested in me that way! I am the buddy! Great! While I was content with that for a year and a half, now I just feel ...stupid!

The problem here is my honesty! Usually it's the best policy. In this case, though, I think I played my hand way to early! He has known about my crush all along and while I don't think he has it in him to consciously take advantage, he has enjoyed the attention! He is a rocker used to the groupies, used to the loose women throwing themselves at him, used to the attention! I am just one of the many! Another in a long line of broken hearts.

So where do I go from here? I don't know. I keep getting reeled in! It doesn't take much. I get frustrated........swear to myself I AM not going to see him play.. hear him joke around with me and then turn around 10 minutes later and make plans to go with a co-worker to his gig! Then he openly flirts with coworkers right in front of me and I run to the bathroom to cry! And then he will smile, joke around, burn me a CD and the cycle starts over again. Its awful! And totally not worth it. I am done!

Meredith has the right idea to swear off men, take up knitting and become celibate! I dont imagine I am much of a knitter, but I write! And that is where I am going to be spending my time. Writing about how I am not going to see him play, putting on my music so I cant hear him try to joke around with me. Let him come to me to see if Im pissed. If he doesnt so be it! I am sure he has MANY other women to bat their eyes and fall victim to the charm. I wasnt the first and wont be the last. And he wont be the last band boy for me!

A Girl And Her Dogs

I come home every night and see the cutest face peaking out at me from the top of the stairs. He runs down and gives me a kiss with enthusiasm usually reserved for lottery winners. It is a kiss that starts at the bottom of my chin and usually ends up all over my glasses. And after that kiss, when I look down at the wagging tail and loving eyes of my Rottweiler named Bear, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Bear, his brother Thor and I became roommates March of 2002. They were three months old when I moved in with their owner Val and I wasn't exactly thrilled to see them. They were feisty and chewed on everything! As any young children are, they were high maintenance. I am sure I didn't impress them either! I was a whiny human, afraid of what she heard were "vicious Rottweilers". They were adorable and the more we got to know each others personalities, the more we came to love each other.

I began to recognize Bear not only by his purple collar but also by his feisty nature. As crazy as he is loving, Beanie became our problem child in no time flat. He is the one running around like he just had a vente triple shot latte! Always inquisitive, always a scamp! He is Dennis The Menace in dog form! It's this hooligan behavior that prompted him to steal green beans right off of Vals plate. She branded him the bean stealer. We shortened it to "Beanie and then to the beanster. The names somehow fit.

Thor is our mellow love bug! He will kiss you by licking any available part of your anatomy until you cant take it no more! His need for closeness is great in the winter when its cold but unbearable in the summer when its hot. Thor seems content to let his brother run wild until he realizes it gets Beanie all the attention. Then he will sit on the floor and talk to me until I give him love too! Thor isnt without his own craziness! He had his moment of brilliant rebellion when he ran out the front door and proceeded to get hit by a car! When he ran home, climbed up the stairs and went to bed while I combed the neighborhood looking for him, I realized his nature is more quiet determination than wild craziness.

What they both have in common, despite the differences in their nature, is their inexhaustible ability to love unconditionally. I can scold them, yell at them or bop them on the nose for begging and it wont stop them from kissing me or running to the door happily when I come home!
What they have in me is someone who loves to sit on the steps and love fest with them! Someone who will talk to them, play with them, love them unconditionally for the rest of their lives!

It is this unconditional love that I have been looking for all my life! I have just been looking for it in a man! I have found it in my boys! And while they may drink out of the toilet, at least they don't leave the seat up! That is most likely better than you will get with any man! That's why I love my boys as much as they love me. I am truly the luckiest girl in the world!