Taking Up Knitting

I love Grey's Anatomy! The frustration, the joy, the humor......it all parallels my life! Right now, the character I am relating to the most is Meredith. Not the slutty, dating a hot vet Meredith, unfortunately! The frustrated, giving up on men, trying to be celebate by knitting Meredith! I think she might be on to something, giving up men for knitting! We both found great guys. Her's turned out to be married, mine turns out to just want a friend. Both men are fine with just being friends while Meredith and I struggle with this despite what we tell ourselves and others.

I am a very spirtual person. I believe in God and am more than willing to let Him lead in all areas of my life! He can even have this one! Please God........please tell me what to do with this relationship/friendship! Dump it because it isn't what I want it be? Stick with it to see what it might be? Be content with what it is? All I know is that what has been clear to my friends for months has now become clear to me: this "friendship" is more of a game than a relationship! I am being "played". I have known it deep down but refused to see it. Now I feel like I am being smacked upside the head with it and I don't like it one bit!

He makes it clear that it's important to him that I go to his gigs.......then sneaks off with redhead claims girl on the breaks. He tells me the heartfelt stuff and then turns around and gleefully tells me how this cute girl tells his friend "if you don't make a play soon, i'll just go after him". Well.....if the object here is to make me jealous, it works! I get it! He's popular with the girls and clearly not interested in me that way! I am the buddy! Great! While I was content with that for a year and a half, now I just feel ...stupid!

The problem here is my honesty! Usually it's the best policy. In this case, though, I think I played my hand way to early! He has known about my crush all along and while I don't think he has it in him to consciously take advantage, he has enjoyed the attention! He is a rocker used to the groupies, used to the loose women throwing themselves at him, used to the attention! I am just one of the many! Another in a long line of broken hearts.

So where do I go from here? I don't know. I keep getting reeled in! It doesn't take much. I get frustrated........swear to myself I AM not going to see him play.. hear him joke around with me and then turn around 10 minutes later and make plans to go with a co-worker to his gig! Then he openly flirts with coworkers right in front of me and I run to the bathroom to cry! And then he will smile, joke around, burn me a CD and the cycle starts over again. Its awful! And totally not worth it. I am done!

Meredith has the right idea to swear off men, take up knitting and become celibate! I dont imagine I am much of a knitter, but I write! And that is where I am going to be spending my time. Writing about how I am not going to see him play, putting on my music so I cant hear him try to joke around with me. Let him come to me to see if Im pissed. If he doesnt so be it! I am sure he has MANY other women to bat their eyes and fall victim to the charm. I wasnt the first and wont be the last. And he wont be the last band boy for me!