Reflection In Big Bear

A weekend in Big Bear! Just what the doctor ordered! I just didn't know just how much I needed that weekend until the drive home Sunday! Stressed out more than I knew over dissolving friendship with Michelle and friendship in question with Band Boy, I headed up to the Womans Retreat, looking for answers! Lisa confiscated my cel phone on the drive up so I had no phone and no TV until I got home.....yikes!! With no distraction, I was able to think and get a grip before my life veered completely out of control.

It was a great weekend for reflection. I thought about: friendships. The ones you ditch and the ones you keep. The kind of friends I want and the kind of friend I want to be. Obviously in light of what has been going on with me the last couple of weeks, it was a topic hot and heavy on my mind. So with my friends from my lifegroup we cried.......journaled.....prayed......and talked! And through it all the belief that everyone and everything comes into your life for a reason was reconfirmed in a big way! Some stay........some go.........but all touch your life and through lessons learned change it forever.

It was also a weekend for renewal. Spirtual and physical! The physical renewal came at the perfect place! The weather was gourgous! We hiked up a hill and I faced my fear of heights to do what they call the zip line. You climb to the top of a very tall hill with a harness on. They attach you to a cable and you run down the hill, lift up in the air and "zip" across this field to the top of a hill on the other side! The cool thing was last year I couldn't have even attempted to climb the hill, much less zip across a cable! I swear, I am an active girl trapped in a fat girls body! But not for much longer. The the need toget the rest of the weight off was brought right back to the forefront of my mind! Right where it needs to be!

The spiritual renewal came from being up there in the mountains with God and 176 women who came with issues all their own, no less severe to them as mine were to me! We had seminars, services and a big bonfire Saturday night! It was at the bonfire that they gave us paper to write on what we had learned and what we were leaving behind! We were to then throw it in a suitcase, leaving our baggage behind! I left behind jealousy, unhealthy eating habits and my fear of being single forever! It's all a work in progress but I feel much better about the journey!

I do have to admit, I was sitting at the bonfire Saturday when someone said "I can't believe it's 11:00! And I thought of Band Boy at Oh Gradys and I missed being there and wondered if I was missed! Then I realized it didn't matter! God brought me up to that mountain for a reason! The reason being to see that my relationship with Band Boy masks a fear of being single for the rest of my life! And to realize He has wonderful things planned and I shouldn't be afraid! Trust Him! His love is all I need.

This weekend made me realize a lot of things and the main one was the extreme need to get my life back in balance. Before this weekend I didn't know how to do it. Well, I did......but was just afraid that if I did, my friendship with Band Boy would suffer. What if I didn't go to a gig and wasn't missed? So what! Now I can totally see our friendship will suffer (and has to some degree) by me NOT balancing my life! I may not go to every gig......every night........9-1! That doesn't mean I am not supporting Band Boy or believe in him any less than I have before. It means I am working on being the kind of friend I would want to have and the friend I know I can be. That can only be accomplished by getting my life centered and balanced!

I need to trust God by not manipulating the situation! I need to let go and let Him work, not just in me but in Band Boy as well! Only God knows what path Band Boy is on and how I am getting in the way! I knew I was in moving in the right direction when I sat in the chapel before we left Big Bear and prayed. Not for me.......for Band Boy. I prayed that God would bring him the love of his life, the woman who is everything he dreams of and everything he deserves! He is so worthy of that........and so am I. So I prayed that letting go of this situation will allow God to work in both our lives and bring us what we want and need.

So if the objective of the trip was to get away, it was accomplished. If it was to reconnect with my lifegroup friends, it was accomplished in a big way! If it was to gain balance and centering......it is... in the process of being accomplished. I went wanting to reconnect with God, who loves me more than anyone. I went wanting to get peace within my head and my heart. On all levels, the weekend was beyond everything I expected. It was a true gift from God!