Lessons In Dating Learned At The Dog Park

I was at the dog park the other day with my two favorite dogs I don't own, Molly and Bentley. M and B are two of the most awesome, gorgeous Golden Retrievers you will ever meet. While watching them relate and play at the park with their fellow dogs (and humans) something dawned on me: Dating should be as simple for humans as it is for dogs.

Maybe there is something to this butt sniffing thing. With dogs, they sniff once or twice and if there is no interest, they move on! They inherently grasp the concept of "they just aren't that into you" and it only takes a minute! With humans it takes days, months, years! Why do we hold vigil with Blackberry in hand, thinking he'll call.....email...text! Dogs don't! Yet, they never seem to manage to find ways to breed, if they are able.

I think that's the secret to dating. One sniff...or date...and that's it! One and done! Wish it was that simple, or isn't it? We will see because I am going to quit threatening to do it and jump right into online dating! I have a couple of free accounts and some of them are actually generating interest so keep an eye on this space and i'll let you know how it goes! Maybe my dark haired, hysterically funny, brilliant, civic minded, borderline geeky but wickedly talented guitar player is out there on Yahoo personals. Stranger things have happened! Just check YouTube for verification of that!

:)

Musical Friendship

I have these friends. They aren't friends in the "lets hang out and have coffee" sense but they are my friends through the music they make, the music that has been the soundtrack for my life for the last 21 years.

When Bon Jovi broke onto the music scene in 1986, I was out of my mom's house, getting my first apartment and trying to make my way in the "real world". Their first album "Slippery When Wet" became a hiding place from all that was scary about that real world. I would put that album on and hide behind the good time, nothing is wrong with the world feeling in their music. Their music has been my solace ever since! In the 21 years we have been friends we have gone through successes and failures together (their successes are a little more immense than mine but it is what it is). They have gone through girlfriends and marriages, I have gone through roommates and friends. They have toured the world, I have toured Southern California trying to find the perfect place to live (Chatsworth is the winner). Through it all I could always depend on them to be there and took pride in the feeling that I would always be there for them. Or would I?

A funny thing happened on that "Lost Highway". Something that I never thought would happen. While waiting to see how Richie Sambora's tabloid romance would shake out and how far into Country the band was going to go, I found a new soundtrack. One that is bluesier, funkier, newer! It is a sound I haven't heard before. It's a sound played from the heart, not the wallet and it has me completely addicted! To top it off, it comes complete with tabloid romance all it's own so my US Weekly subscription wouldn't go to waste! A new musician discovery! Cute, young! A funny, smart, environmentally conscience blogger! ANOTHER FREAKIN GUITAR PLAYER!! Yikes! I swear...crack couldn't be more deadly to me than a cute, funny guitar player!!

While I was diving in, finding all there is to know about my new musician I let my friends sit on the sidelines. While catching up on 8 CD's/EPs and various live shows, the release date for the new Bon Jovi came and went with barely a notice from me! I switched up my MySpace page to say "hey, look at this new thing I found"! My mornings were spent Googling to see if this was the hour John and Jessica TRULY broke up for good. Who has time to watch all those Bon Jovi appearences that are stacking up on the TiVo? Not me! I am in the discovery phase, that time in a new crush where it's all new, interesting, unknown. The fun part!

Maybe this has less to do with the new musician discovery and more to do with the fact that I was afraid this was it for me and my friends Bon Jovi! Maybe I was in denial about them "going country". What if they did and I would have to disown them! What if this ment that the band "sold out" for the cash and stopped being true to themselves? I felt guilty! I am deserting my friends! They have always been there for me, why am I bailing on them? I have more than one real friend, I can have more than one musical friend! So I finally bought "Lost Highway" (three weeks after release date...**sigh**....never waited that long before). I put it in at the beach and listened. To my extreme relief, it isn't country at all! It is the same Bon Jovi I have loved for 21 years! Catchy rock with hooks that reel you in and not let go! YIPPEE!

In full honesty I must admit that I only listened to it once all the way through and then put "Continuum" back in where it's been since June 10th! Here's the thing: Bon Jovi music is like my favorite warm blanket. I may not use it all the time but I do like knowing you can pull it out whenever you need it. I like knowing I can depend on the comfort that their music has always provided and will continue to do so.

I no longer worry about deserting my musical friends. I have always felt that the mark of a true friend is if you can pick up where you left off after not speaking for a while and the friendship sustains you as much as it always did! When you can do that, you know you have a true friend. Bon Jovi are and always will be my true musical friends.

Going Green

From the time I got my drivers liscense to now, my favorite stress release has been a drive to the beach. I would drive with all the windows down, stereo blaring, talking to myself and God. Sometimes I wouldn't even get out of the car. Just being at the beach restores my soul and helps me get back to that place in my head where I am glad to be alive.

I went on a drive like that today. I wasn't stressed out for me, I was stressed out for the beach, the mountains, the earth in general! They may not be here much longer! I believe that global warming is a reality and WE ALL need to chip in and start doing something...ANYTHING...to stop this problem from getting worse!

I watched more hours of Live Earth last weekend that I thought possible but I am glad I did! It made me more aware of the enviornmental crisis than I was before! The situation was always in the back of my mind. I have had "Inconvienent Truth" saved on TiVo for months but God forbid I give up watching "E News" or "Access Hollywood" to educate myself! I think that I haven't done anything up to now because I have an "all or nothing" mentality. I do. If I can't do it all, why bother! I think many of us have that view of this crisis. We think that it's too overwhelming or that we are too deep into it for anything we do to make a difference. That isn't true!

The great thing about helping to stall the enviornmental crisis is that you don't have to do it all. You don't have to go out in your $30,000 Prius with your canvas bag to buy your $20 lightbulb and then come home and unplug your phone charger, while powering down your laptop and getting rid of all your bottled water! Well...........doing all that would be awesome but pick one or two and stick with it for awhile! I bet it will spur you on to do more! I bought the canvas bag at my Trader Joe's and I keep it in my car to use! I bought one for my roommate, too! I take my own mug to Starbucks. I am not ready to give up bottled water (I live in L.A., after all) but I reuse the one bottle for a week by filling it up from the Arrowhead dispenser at work (they don't care....already asked). Next payday, going to buy a couple of the lightbulbs. I figure if I use them in the lights we use themost, like the bedroom and the porchlights we leave on at night, it would save not only energy but money on the electric bill as well!

I have always felt incredibly blessed to live in Southern California and the main reason for that was the beauty of the outdoors! We have some of the most amazing mountains, beaches and deserts all within a couple hours drive of my house! To think that may all be gone in my lifetime, not my grandkids lifetime but mine, is incredibly sad! Isn't preserving that beauty worth a $8 lightbulb? I think I can sacrifice a couple of latte's and buy some lightbulbs to keep my stress releasing beach spot!

Pirate Karioke

They say if you face a fear you can make it disappear! It's true and in Catalina I proved it by doing something I am deathly afraid of: singing by myself in public! I know I can sing but have only sang in groups...large ones! I have auditioned solo and a cappella but needed a week to recover from the massive amounts of Xanax needed to do so! It's silly! The interesting irony about the fear is that I have this burning desire to do it all the while breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about it! So I asked the pro singers I know how to get over myself! The resounding advice was Karioke. Just sing in front of people by yourself until it's not a big deal! What a better place to do this than on a island where you can leave the scene of the crime and all it's witnesses behind!

That is exactly what I did! I hung out in a bar with the frat boys dressed as pirates and looked fear straight in the eye! It wasn't going to stop me! Besides, if I sucked, I wasn't in a place where I knew anyone! Perfect! So, I fought the fear, stayed sober and in the two hours I had to wait (by myself by the way) I just visualized rocking the song! What did I sing? John Mayer's "Body Is A Wonderland"? Ha ha...no way! If I had the talent to do a Mayer tune, it wouldn't be that one! Bon Jovi's "Living On A Prayer"? Nope, frat boys took care of that one early in the night! I sang a great rendition of Bonnie Raitt's "Something To Talk About"! I know it was great because the DJ told me "Great Job" and the frat boy making goo goo eyes at me throughout the tune slipped me his phone # as I stepped down off the podium (he was way under this cougar's hardline rule of 30 being the bottom line...damn). Phone # was a bonus! The feeling I got after doing this was amazing! In that little bar I proved to myself that I can push fear to the side and do what I want to do! I can't wait to do this again! I am going to grab anyone crazy enough to do this and head out this weekend to sing in some other dive bar! Wahoo!

There is something really freeing about tapping into my inner Pat Benetar! It got me to thinking that since I have done what scares me the most, what else is there to conqure? Dating......yikes! I know for sure that the only way to make a fear disappear is to face it head on and deal with it! Dating can't be scarier than singing and shaking your money maker in a bar full of drunken frat boy pirates but I am hoping it can be more fun!
:)

CATALINA!!!

Wahooo! Tomorrow we are off to Catalina Island for the 4th! I can't wait! 4 days of nothing but bike riding, margaritas and lounging on the beach! I am going to write the intellegent and wildly funny novel that I will be publiclly appalled that is categorized as "chick lit" while I am secretly negotiating the movie rights with Nora Ephron so she can turn it to the next "Chick flick". (something about older woman falling for younger rock star..go figure!). Then I am going to read the last 3 weeks Us, Star , Entertainment Weekly and In Touch! After that, I'll take a spin around the island in a golf cart looking for that funny, intellegent, hot single musician who will love me for my wit and my mind, not my.....never mind! If he's a hot single musician who's interested in me, WHO CARES WHY!!!

There might be time for bonding w/my roommate who I have been just passing lately while we take turns in the bathroom. There might be time to take stock in how life has been treating me so far this year and where I want it to take me the next few months. There might be time to thank God for the blessings that happen in my life everyday and will continue to happen! There WILL be time to thank God and our troops for continuing to fight the good fight in the name of democracy and freedom! It's is 4th of July, after all!

Whew! I have a lot to do over the next 4 days! And it starts today with laundry, packing and going to work! Relaxation starts tomorrow! WAHOO!

Happy 4th everyone!
:)

The Hollywood Hills Are Alive!

I love....no, make that LOVE living in LA! There are so many things unique to this town I don't know where to start! One of my favorites happens every summer! It brings young and old, straight and gay, musically inclined and not together for one evening under the stars. I am talking about the "Sound of Music Sing A Long" at the Hollywood Bowl!

I pride myself on not only being a dyed in the wool rocker but a music lover in general. This is definately in the "general" category. It is too much fun to resist! The "Sound Of Music Sing A Long" is hard to describe but imagine taking Rocky Horror and placing it in the Swiss Alps. Replace Tim Curry with Julie Andrews. Take that whole thing and place it in a drive-in that holds 16,000 people and you kind of get the idea! The film is shown on a huge screen stretched across the Bowl stage and the musical numbers have subtitles so everyone sings along! There are props they give us, like edelweiss and no one is shy about using them! There is an air of "Mystery Science Theatre" as people shout out comments that are for the most part hysterical! Hissing at the baroness, sighing at cute little Gretel! My favorite though comes courtesy (this year) of my friend Terri. At the end of the movie before the captain sings "Edelweiss" a hush falls over the Bowl. It is then that she yells in her best hockey yelling voice "sing a song about flowers". I almost died laughing!

My fave moment came courtesy of the boys dressed as nuns. As I was walking back from the bathroom they came up and offered me forgiveness for the cleavage my top was showing! HEY! That dude on Oprah says always walk out of the house dressed like you are going to meet your dream man! So I did! I just didn't know he'd be a nun....or gay! Doesn't matter, i'll take the complement wherever I can get it since one of the nuns said if he left the convent and turned straight he'd do me! ROTFL!!!

This night is so fun! We are going to make it a tradition. Next year we are all going to enter the costume contest. Look out!

You Say Stalker...I Say Fan...Potato, Potahto

For the last two + years, I have been dabbling with unrequited love. It was the most enlightning, exciting, frustrating, crazy, excruciatingly painful learning experience I have ever been through! I learned more about me within that experience than I ever thought I could. And for that, I wouldn't change a thing about it. I am, however, glad it is over! While I am taking time to recover, reconnect and pull myself together, I find myself in familar territory! I have retreated to the comfort and safety of the celebrity musician crush!

Celebrity musician crushes are easy! No miserable first date! Instead of exploring each other while dolled up in ridcously high shoes at a restaraunt you wouldn't normally be caught dead in, engaging in less than intellegent conversation, you explore on your own in your jammies! Just you, your crush and Google! Google doesn't judge, care about your weight or lead you to wonder "I wonder what he thinks of me". There is comfort in it being one sided for the most part. The celeb "loves the fans" and you are free to explore that love unconditionally within the anonimity of him not knowing you from adam. That's fine because this way, you control the amount of love that goes out. You decide if the love goes out at all! If you aren't happy that the crush can't make up his mind about the Pop Tart he's with, not with, with, not with, you can roll your eyes in indignation without having to hear the lame defense of why the intellegent, talented musician is dating the "actress". It doesn't matter! You, in all your internet surfing, US magazine reading glory know for sure BOTH reasons why he's dating her! You can sit on your bed, laptop at the ready and laugh knowing that you are smart, funny and yours are REAL!! She maybe a celeb but you have those 4 things ALL OVER her! See...celeb crushes can be as catty as the real ones!

Celebrity musician crushes are pure fantasy and after being rejected face to face, the fantasy is a welcome diversion to my reality! In my fantasy, the guy is turned on by the fact that I am smart and funny, not because I worship him or have a huge rack! In my fantasy, the crush plays guitar just for me, not for every girl in the bar (or arena). In the fantasy, the crush is a communicator supreme who listens as well as he speaks. He doesn't call me to talk at me for hours on end, not letting me get a word in edgewise!

This latest celeb musician crush came at me from completely out of the blue! Totally unexpected but entirely welcome! It's new, exciting, fun! Just like the beginning of a real relationship! However, like a real relationship, this one hasn't disappointed me or broken my heart. I doubt it will.

I am not crazy single girl! I am just welcoming the reminder God has sent to remind me that life is fun, exciting, cool! I have 9 toes grounded in reality while I am dipping the one in the sublime fantasy world of the celeb musician crush. Don't worry! I am starting to look for the real thing! I haven't retreated that far deep. The cool thing is, thanks to the latest celeb musician crush, I will have an awesome soundtrack to play in the background of any romance, real or fantasy, that comes my way!

Random Thoughts While Waiting in Jail In Vegas

*I wish I got into John Mayer early enough to see him at Mandalay Bay. I wish I had the body to get his attention and the guts to kidnap him and take him to that bar where people hang half-naked from trapezes. You have your Vegas wish, I have mine. Mine doesn't involve millions of dollars unless John and I are rolling around naked in it! Thank God what happens in Vegas.....

*I am not a fan of change or am I? I am a fan of change the noun. Especially when it is pouring out of a slot machine into a metal tray, making that "ching ching ching" sound that hit you between the eyes when you walked into any casino! The change I am not a fan of is the verb. The change that results in taking away something cool like the "ching ching ching" sound and what causes it! Slot machines in Vegas now dispense paper slips that you take to a machine to cash in for paper money. No more buckets of coins so heavy you can't carry them to the cashier, no more trips to the cashier for that matter. No more grubby, yucky hands from scooping up all those quarters and putting them in the bucket. No more having two buckets full of quarters, swearing you would stop after you went through one and leaving w/only half. No more "ching ching ching". No more of one of the things that makes Vegas charming. Change sucks.

*Most of Vegas is about getting you into the casino to spend your money. Except the bathrooms. In the bathrooms, you can stand for hours waiting for the automatic toilet to flush, then wait forever for the automatic soap to dispense before waiting endlessly for the faucet to turn on. And just when you think you might get out of there before Steve Jobs develops the chip to implant in our brains to make cel phones obsolete, you wait forever for the automated paper towel to dispense. I swear, the random cactus in the parking lot was looking like a better bathroom option than this! I know it's probably more sanitary to have all the fixtures do our work for us, but this is ridiculous!

*I am not cool! Oh, I try to be! I listen to cool music, watch all the cool TV, read up on what's trendy. How cool I truly I am became glaringly apparent this weekend in Vegas when I got excited over two things: seeing Donny Osmond and the fact that the Star Wars slot machines are about the coolest thing ever invented! Sure, I could have seen sweating, grinding pretty boys from Austrailia strip while putting $$ in their g-strings. I could have attended any number of Cirque Du Solei shows. No......Terri and I almost spontaneously combust over seeing that Donny is town. In my defense, it was cool to like Donny....when I was 7! In his defense, he put on a great show! Not sure it should cost more to see him in a Vegas lounge than it does to see John Mayer at the Hollywood Bowl but it is what it is. And what it is is a good time! I will say I may have been a tad bit embarassed to "stage door stalk" him but it did make me feel young as at my advanced age, I was easily among the youngest there. It was made worthwhile when Donny wished me happy birthday and asked with a wink if it was the 29th! And they do call it Puppy Love!

*The Star Wars slot machines rocked my world. They play the music, R2 talks to you and when you get three characters in a row, an appropriate film clip plays on the bar line! When you get the bonus, the Death Star spins and it's the coolest! Laugh all you non-believers but I trusted the Force and turned my $5 into $40!

*There are no more $5 buffets in Vegas. There are, however, $5.95 lattes and 24 hour Starbucks right out the door of the elevator in the hotel. A even trade-off if you ask me!

*Johnny Reznick was playing in the car everytime we got into it this weekend. Not literally but that would have been a wish equal to the one involving Mr. Mayer. Nope...this was on the radio. Wish LA radio was like this!

For these reasons and many more, I LOVE Vegas! Can't wait to go back in August....to see Donny....*sigh*! I am learning to embrace my inner geek! :)

Could I Possibly Have A New Fave Guitarist?!?

Could I have a new fave guitarist! Move over, Sambora! It is possible that after 21 years I have a new favorite! He's funny, he's smart, he's sensitive, he's wickedly and amazingly talented! AND HE LOVES DOGS! Forget guitarist, could he possibly be the perfect guy?

Shan calls me two days before the John Mayer show at the Bowl and says "I just got a call! We are invited to the meet and greet". I must admit, I was excited as it was going to be a cool experience but not excited in a "OMG...I LOVE John Mayer" kind of way!

That certainly changed AFTER the fact! This was by far and away one of the COOLEST things that have happened to me! 5 people and their plus one got the call and they were all nice people! John was a sweetheart! Looking back I kind of feel bad because it seems like we were the only two talking but once someone asked him about his dog it was on! He seemed fine with chatting while signing so we talked about how he did in Vegas, the upcoming Police show and our dogs. He said he was happy to have the kinda of dog that "doesn't eat raw metal" (Golden Retriever) and I got a plug in for the misunderstood Rottweiler! I won't bore you with every syllable that was spoken but you can believe I remember them. He signed for everyone, took pictures and was amazingly nice!

Then he went out and put on one of the most amazing shows I have seen! Since all I have heard from him is basically the (overplayed) singles, I had no idea what an amazing guitar player he is! And that ability was on full force at the Bowl! Mayer plays with such emotion and feeling that you wonder, at 30, where he is drawing it from! The place was filled with blues loving wine sippers who love John's work with BB King as well as the soda drinking female squealers who only wanted John to tell them how their bodies are a wonderland. That might be John's biggest strength: that he can produce music that appeals to both of those factions!

From the meet and greet, to the awesome seats, to the glorious atmosphere that is a summer show at the Bowl, to the amazing music it was a WONDERFUL night! Thanks a million to my friend Shan who made it happen! You ROCK

Marking Territory

It is two weeks since St. Patricks Day and I have been struggling to figure out how I feel about what happened that night at the bar. This morning, as I was walking Codi, the sweet girl dog I am sitting for, it hit me! As Cody lifted her leg on the bush in the neighbors yard and peed, I realized just like that bush, territory had been marked on St. Pattys Day at Oh Gradys. Only it wasn't with lifting a leg, it was with lifting a finger.

"The Girlfriend" walked into the bar on St. Pattys and asked if I wanted to see her "Valentine's Day gift. Before I could say "not really" she shoved a ring in my face. To add to the humor of the situation, she then proceeded to try and convince someone that the ring didn't mean anything. What I am not sure is who she was trying to convince, herself or me.

What upset me was not the actual ring or her not so subtle intent in flashing it at me. What upset me was that I was forced to face the reality that the ring obviously meant something to the giver of the ring and that is what has me thinking about this "friendship" I have with him. Sure this isn't the first time and most likely won't be the last. But a heavy dose of reality can be a good thing if you finally get out of denial and see something for what it really is.

Sure he and I are friends and fairly good ones at that. We support each other in our dreams. But we aren't the sharing deep dark secrets type of friends. If we were, I wouldn't have found out about "the girlfriend" from people who saw them out in the parking lot doing God knows what on the night of my birthday. I certainly wouldn't have found out about a ring a month after it was given by "the girlfriend' flashing it in my face. My female intuition tells me that he gets the emotional support from me and the physical support from her. Maybe, maybe not! But is that all I want from this "friendship"?

This ring has made me face up to the fact that ok...fine...yes, I haven't really gotten over him and ....sigh...I was holding on to that romantic notion that someday it will hit him that we are meant for each other. We aren't...and he isn't! He isn't going to have that lightning flash moment where he realizes that the girl he's been waiting for was right under his nose all along. Well....he might but that girl isn't going to be me.

They say the truth will set you free and it has in this case. I feel liberated and free to go on looking for the man that will adore me and worship me like I did Band Boy. I am free to look for a man who isn't a control freak. I am free to spend weekends doing something other than sitting in that bar trying to impress upon Band Boy that I could be the adoring girlfriend. I am free to not drop what I am doing to reply to his emails. I am free to set boundaries in my friendship with Band Boy without worrying that he will think of me as something other than the good friend I am.

Yes, the truth will set you free when you finally face up to it. And much to the joy of my friends who are tired of seeing me struggle with this, I am free at last!

Jovi Road Trip #3

There we are, three sleep deprived Bon Jovi fans, tooling down the Jersey Turnpike looking for our hotel with Shelley at the wheel and a english challenged hotel owner on the cel. You can't make a u-turn in the state to save our lives, no one lets you merge and hotel dude is telling me to follow the signs to the 109! It is twenty minutes later, when I feel like I am in a bad Twilight Zone episode that we finally see signs to the ONE AND NINE! It is then that I realize these Jersey trips are like childbirth: frustrating to go through but when you are done all you remember is the joy! "You travel all the way here to see them" is a much asked question when natives inevitably find out we are from California and Georgia. The resounding answer is yes, given with huge smiles on our faces!

Lucky for us we aren't there solely to navigate the highways and byways of the Garden State. We make the trip to mecca to see the Jovi boys on their home turf! In their backyard! For the Bon Jovi faithful, there is no better place to be when the guys play at home! For any band, the hometown shows are special and for Bon Jovi and their fans, those shows are at Giants Stadium! The Meadowlands! These shows have closed out the last three tours and have become must see in the land of Jovi! The band is on, there is electricity in the air and this year that was even more true with the lightning! It is cool to say that I was there for both "rain" shows that have taken place at Giant's the last two tours! In 2003, the band played on as we all "took a shower" together! This year, due to the lightning, the band came out for the 1st encore, sped through "Livin On A Prayer" and called it a night 20 minutes early! Despite the shortened show, it is a great feeling to know you are a part of something special, rain or no rain! The shows are great and a huge reason why we go. But they aren't the only reason! There is definite joy in seeing the place where your heroes grew up! You feel a connection seeing where Tommy and Gina grew up, went to high school,worked to pay the bills before the music thing took off! Seeing the homes they grew up in and the ones your concert money helped them buy today is great! You might call it stalking when you see my pictures of Jon's house from outside his gate. I call it seeing where my money went! If I hadn't spent all that money, maybe I could actually afford a double scoop at Crazee's! But knowing that I, in some small part, helped pay for the boat that is attached to the dock that is outside the massive chateau that Jon lives in somehow makes it ok! :)

The last couple of tours we have thrown in side trips into NYC! The first time, I was a little nervous! This native Southern Californian has heard all the stories of how crowded and dirty NYC is and how rude the people are! After my first trip, I couldn't imagine where the stories came from. Ok...i'll give ya crowded...maybe dirty! But the people are some of the nicest and friendliest people you will meet anywhere! Including L.A! I venture to say the people here are ruder by far! I LOVE NY!!! The energy, the people, the cops! They don't call those strapping hunks "New York's Finest" for nothing! And where else can you chase people with shopping carts down an alley to buy Pink Prada bags for $20! Shelley chasing that guy with Cindy close behind is a sight i'll never forget! I think we ended up with 5 or 6 Pradas between us with Cindy coming in the winner with 3! Sure, they aren't real but neither was the $10 Rolex I bought 1/2 a block down the street! I stood there and laughed at the irony that the only thing real on me that day was my tan and my boobs! How un-L.A. of me!

Another huge reason to go on these trips is to be with friends! We don't see each other very often and being stuck in a car lost in NJ is a great way to reconnect! LOL! Seriously, who better to understand why the hamburgers taste better at the White Castle in Sayreville NJ than other Jovi fans! It isn't all Bon Jovi! We talked about crazy men and the women that love them...us! We laughted at other tourists and just all around had a great time! As Cindy and I hung out in Newark Airport for 6 hours after we dropped Shelley off, we decided to hang up our NJ shoes! SURE! It's only been a month and I have already forgotten the frustration of the turnpike and started counting down the years (then days) until I am back there again! This time I will know to look for the 1 and 9!

Change

They say sometimes to grow as a human, things must change. It makes sense. When you are comfortable, when everything is going great, when life is wonderful, why would you want to change, to grow? You don't! Change is scary and sometimes it hurts like hell!

Four years ago I went through one of the most painful changes in my life. My family decided to up and leave me! They all moved to Arizona and didn't even ask me to go! My mom was moving because financially she would be better off. My sister and her kids were going so they could help Mom with our aging Grandfather! I wasn't asked to go because my Mom and I don't get along.......to say the least!

It hurt.........big time! I can remember driving home after finding out! I was crying my eyes out, feeling very alone and unloved! These people were supposed to love me, be here to support me! Now they were saying "buh bye" without even a thought if I cared or not! But as God often does, he closed that door and opened another one!

The very weekend my family was moving, my friend Kellie invited me to go to church with her. She said I would really like the pastor that was speaking and really should check it out! I figured it would be better than sitting home crying so I went. The pastor speaking was great! He was dynamic, interesting and peaked my interest!

I became a hit and miss attender at the church. Each week I would walk in, listen to the music, and start bawling! I couldn't figure out why but started going back weekly. One Sunday, it finally hit me! That place, that church was exactly what I was missing! God would fill the hole left by my family leaving!

That afternoon I went to classes that explained what the church was all about. It was there that they introduced all the pastors, including the one that spoke in the service earlier. Turns out he is the Worship Arts Pastor....the choir director! I ran up to him after the class and introduced myself. I asked him about joining choir. He was very friendly and explained that choir required no audition! I was excited and made me feel very comfortable about joining a group of people I had never met. Choir became my family as did the church! I met so many friends! Families that welcomed me as one of their own! I lived for choir weekends! The music was contemporary and it was great to sing again! I was so amazed that something this fun was for the glory of God!

And that pastor? He became more than just a pastor to me! He became a friend. He was so instrumental in my getting my life turned around. He was the first person I met at RP and the first pastor I heard speak! He baptized me! He had faith in me and my testimony and asked me to share it with the congregation! When he trusted me with his kids, his house, his dog, he made me see that I wasn't the screw-up in those areas that my own family made me feel I was! He sat in his office and gave me invaluable advice many times! He and his wife helped me see the value in marriage and that they can work!

His family blessed my life as well! It was his wonderful wife that opened her home to our small group and made it warm and inviting! She taught me how to use our musical gifts to serve God with love and humility! Her smile and warm hugs made me feel great on many occasions! Their amazing kids have blessed my life with their laughter and the fun I have had with them will never be forgotten!

Well.......like my family before them, my church family is changing as well. That pastor and his family that I love so much are moving!! He is going to head up the Arts ministry for a large chuch about an hour down the freeway! Sure it's only an hour away! It's within visiting distance. But it's a change! The change isn't scary, it's the unknown that is a result that is scary! While the change is good for the pastor and his family, it breaks the heart of all of us that have served with them the last 6 years! This was their last weekend at church and I have never been a part of something so incredibly sad........and yet so rewarding! It hurts us to let them go but it is exciting to think of the new possibilites of who God is bringing in!

When I think back to how much it hurt to let my family move to Arizona, I smile! I smile because of all the the positive changes that came as a result of that move! I subsequently moved in with my wonderful roommate who is my best friend, mom, shrink and moral compass all rolled into one! I was also led to church where I found my loving church family! I became fullfilled.......whole.......never happier! And within that love and happiness, I found the courage to have the gastric bypass surgery that resulted in my 100 pound weight loss! So God took that painful situation and used it for good in my life! I have no reason to think He won't do the same with this situation as well!

I know it is for the best for all involved but if it's God's will.......why does he make it hurt so much!? Is it to make us more Christlike? Less complacent? I don't know! Change is difficult and it can hurt like crazy! But if we hang on comfortably to what we know, how can that allow God to work in our lives? It is the hearts and love of those moving that we will mis the most! Who's to say God doesn't plan on using us for that same purpose in someone else's life? Some new and lonely person may wander up to Rocky Peak and ask me about choir! :)

Faith is believing in what we can't see. Faith is what will get me through this change......and all the other changes that will happen in life! I will grow as result. I do know I am hanging tight to my faith in a God who only wants the best for all of us!

Happy To Fall Into The Gap

WAHOO!!! I am finally shopping in a regular clothes store! Cathy and I were walking around Hollywood and Highland with her daughter. I got a bright idea about stopping in the Gap just to see if anything fit! IT DID!!! I fit into a XL t-shirt but it still fit! I didn't even have to shove anything into it! It fit! Can I tell you how exciting this is? I can see this will be the start of my clothes obsession! Great! Just as I am getting out of debt!
:)

Reflection In Big Bear

A weekend in Big Bear! Just what the doctor ordered! I just didn't know just how much I needed that weekend until the drive home Sunday! Stressed out more than I knew over dissolving friendship with Michelle and friendship in question with Band Boy, I headed up to the Womans Retreat, looking for answers! Lisa confiscated my cel phone on the drive up so I had no phone and no TV until I got home.....yikes!! With no distraction, I was able to think and get a grip before my life veered completely out of control.

It was a great weekend for reflection. I thought about: friendships. The ones you ditch and the ones you keep. The kind of friends I want and the kind of friend I want to be. Obviously in light of what has been going on with me the last couple of weeks, it was a topic hot and heavy on my mind. So with my friends from my lifegroup we cried.......journaled.....prayed......and talked! And through it all the belief that everyone and everything comes into your life for a reason was reconfirmed in a big way! Some stay........some go.........but all touch your life and through lessons learned change it forever.

It was also a weekend for renewal. Spirtual and physical! The physical renewal came at the perfect place! The weather was gourgous! We hiked up a hill and I faced my fear of heights to do what they call the zip line. You climb to the top of a very tall hill with a harness on. They attach you to a cable and you run down the hill, lift up in the air and "zip" across this field to the top of a hill on the other side! The cool thing was last year I couldn't have even attempted to climb the hill, much less zip across a cable! I swear, I am an active girl trapped in a fat girls body! But not for much longer. The the need toget the rest of the weight off was brought right back to the forefront of my mind! Right where it needs to be!

The spiritual renewal came from being up there in the mountains with God and 176 women who came with issues all their own, no less severe to them as mine were to me! We had seminars, services and a big bonfire Saturday night! It was at the bonfire that they gave us paper to write on what we had learned and what we were leaving behind! We were to then throw it in a suitcase, leaving our baggage behind! I left behind jealousy, unhealthy eating habits and my fear of being single forever! It's all a work in progress but I feel much better about the journey!

I do have to admit, I was sitting at the bonfire Saturday when someone said "I can't believe it's 11:00! And I thought of Band Boy at Oh Gradys and I missed being there and wondered if I was missed! Then I realized it didn't matter! God brought me up to that mountain for a reason! The reason being to see that my relationship with Band Boy masks a fear of being single for the rest of my life! And to realize He has wonderful things planned and I shouldn't be afraid! Trust Him! His love is all I need.

This weekend made me realize a lot of things and the main one was the extreme need to get my life back in balance. Before this weekend I didn't know how to do it. Well, I did......but was just afraid that if I did, my friendship with Band Boy would suffer. What if I didn't go to a gig and wasn't missed? So what! Now I can totally see our friendship will suffer (and has to some degree) by me NOT balancing my life! I may not go to every gig......every night........9-1! That doesn't mean I am not supporting Band Boy or believe in him any less than I have before. It means I am working on being the kind of friend I would want to have and the friend I know I can be. That can only be accomplished by getting my life centered and balanced!

I need to trust God by not manipulating the situation! I need to let go and let Him work, not just in me but in Band Boy as well! Only God knows what path Band Boy is on and how I am getting in the way! I knew I was in moving in the right direction when I sat in the chapel before we left Big Bear and prayed. Not for me.......for Band Boy. I prayed that God would bring him the love of his life, the woman who is everything he dreams of and everything he deserves! He is so worthy of that........and so am I. So I prayed that letting go of this situation will allow God to work in both our lives and bring us what we want and need.

So if the objective of the trip was to get away, it was accomplished. If it was to reconnect with my lifegroup friends, it was accomplished in a big way! If it was to gain balance and centering......it is... in the process of being accomplished. I went wanting to reconnect with God, who loves me more than anyone. I went wanting to get peace within my head and my heart. On all levels, the weekend was beyond everything I expected. It was a true gift from God!

Crazy Arizona Girl

I will never forget where I was when I heard the news! My friend Howard and I were watching "Northern Exposure" when my sister came in with the news that we were going to have an addition to the family! I immediately cried. I couldn't wait to be an aunt again! Her sister, Alexandria, was such a joy that I couldn't wait to my new niece!

Brianna Marie Smith was born on June 27, 1992. She was a beautiful baby! Smiling, happy! And she is growing up to be a beautiful young lady! My only disappointment is that I live to far away to be the aunt I wanted to be! I can't be at her school performances or take her out for ice cream! However, that doesn't mean I can't be a part of her life! I love hearing about the boys, about school and I am VERY excited to hear that she is writing songs! I love getting the emails from her with jokes and fun things! With the internet, we can send mail instantly, view pictures and keep in touch! I am so excited that she is on myspace! Modern technology is allowing Brianna and I a way to keep up with each other!

Brianna is becoming a wonderful young woman! She has many wonderful adventures in store for her and I can't wait to hear/read all about them!

Help A Girl Realize A Dream!!!

I saw this on EBay and almost swallowed my gum:

http://cgi.ebay.com/CELEBRITY-LUNCH-WITH-STAR-MUSICIAN-JON-BON-JOVI-
Lunch......me.......Jon Bon Jovi, the subject of every dream i've had since I was 21!!! The man I most want to be stranded on an island with! Me, Jon, SPF 50 and a bottomless bottle of Patron Silver!! This lunch would be my chance to invite him to my tropical island slice of heaven!
Then I saw the opening bid, the current bid and definitely swallowed my gum! $9000!! With days to go, that thing is going to climb up to the 10s of thousands of dollars! What's a girl with a dream to do??

I got to thinking and sent this email to my friends:

Oh My Ever Loving God! Who has $20-25k and wants to donate to not only a good cause but to the "Help Cyndie FINALLY get her picture taken With Jon and Die a Happy Woman" fund!
http://cgi.ebay.com/CELEBRITY-LUNCH-WITH-STAR-MUSICIAN-JON-BON-JOVI-
Me.....two other people.............JON "MAN OF EVERY DREAM I'll EVER HAVE IN MY LIFE" BON JOVI! ARRRRGGHH!! Who's in??

I figure if I can find 20, 000 people to donate a dollar, I'm golden! Hey, Jeff! Wanna play at the "Help Cyndie Stalk Bon Jovi" telethon???Oh to dream! Now we all know what I would do with all the money in the world! Now the wheels are turning! If I could find 25--30 thousand people to donate a dollar i'd be golden! It's a tax write off!

Who's in.......donate to giving me time, no matter how short, with the man of my dreams! I have $8. I only need apx. $19, 982!!
:)

Always The "Smart Chick", Never The "Hottie"

I was in Manhattan Beach with my roommate and my mom yesterday! It was a gorgeous day to be down there! The sky was sunny, the water sparkly and all the dyed blonde, surgically enhanced women were out in force! As much as that is one of my favorite places in all of Southern California, it isn't the best of places to go if your self-confidence is a few notches low.
The funny thing is that the woman that got me to thinking about my less than stellar body wasn't even blonde. The beautiful woman that crossed in the crosswalk in front of me while we were stopped at a red light was a brunette. What got me to thinking wasn't her hair color. It was her killer body! I said to my roommate, who was riding shotgun in the car much as she does in my life, "If I had a killer body like that, Band Boy would like me". She says "No way! If you had a body like that, you would be such a bitch even I wouldn't like you". We laughed hysterically! What a perfect thing to say to stop me dead in my tracks! I was truly on a one-way trip to Pitty Junction! What the comment did, though, was make me wonder if I truly would give up who I am to make someone else like me! Not likely!

When men look at woman with a killer body, what are they thinking about? Is it wow, I wonder what she thinks of the war in Iraq? Do they stop and consider if she would be the type that would crash on the couch to watch the Laker game and ask for a beer and nachos? Do they wonder what she thinks of the new Poison retrospective CD? NO! I can pretty much guarantee what any man will be thinking of when they look at a woman like that. It has nothing to do with her mind what so ever!

I have never had the killer body! So I have had to make up with it by being the funny, smart girl! I have always had friends in bands and have hung out in bars and clubs since I was in high school. I have never had a problem getting attention from guys although it might not be the attention I am looking for. For the most part, I am seen as non-threatning to the ego. They sit and talk to me about brainy crap, get a boost to the ego before they go over to slobber over the hottie and ask for that booty call. Whats funny is when they come crawling back to me when she shoots them down! Whats not funny is when they leave to go hook up and I am left alone and sad, waiting for my hopes to be built up by the next sad fool to come along.

Here is deal: while I think I would like the guy to slobber over me, to look at me and go wow, to get the booty call offer, I wouldnt know what to do with it if I got it. The thing is I am not going to have sex before marriage. Its a deal breaker for me! Non-negotiable. So for any man to proposition me like that would be pointless and a waste of time for all involved.

Truth be told, I like being the smart chick! I love making people laugh! These are also qualities that I look for in men and qualities I wouldnt give up for anything! I think it is society that makes me think I want the other! I am made to think that I am less than desirable if I am not a size 0, Paris Hilton wannabe! Bull! The Paris Hilton's of the world are great if the booty call is all you want. But even a superficial guy is going to want someone eventually that can carry on a conversation! Even the biggest creep is going to eventually want someone to ask him about his day, to care less about themselves and more about him! That is where a brainy, funny, caring chick is going to look very hot!

I have to be totally honest here: if Band Boy only wanted me for my killer body, I most likely would have nothing to do with him! I love a guy who is smart, who is funny and would ask me how my day went. I want the brainy, funny guy! I am not going to give the superficial guy the time of day! I need an intellectual equal, a guy who can challenge me mentally and I can challenge him!

I am reminded of that bumper sticker: I may be fat but you are ugly and I can diet. The same holds true for being a funny, smart chick! I can diet, I can tone up, I could conceivably have that killer body! And I could have my music addicted, sports loving, funny and smart personality on top of it! Holding on to my beliefs and staying true to myself will only stand to benefit me and the man I eventually marry! That makes me a hot chick despite my less than killer body!

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

It's Friday night! Do you know where your guitarist crazed, otherwise sane but in this case totally wacked out friend is? Good because neither do I! I wish I could tell you i'll be at my local multiplex with all the others watching Mission Impossible:3. I really do! Sitting there with people kicking my chair, rattling their candy wrappers, talking on the celphones while watching that overpaid, scientology wacked Tom Cruise blow up stuff! That sounds infinately better then what i'll most likely be doing: sitting on a stool, nursing a beer, watching band boy play before he ducks out the door on a break with whatever skinny groupie of the night gets his attention!

Ok! Truth be told, I don't know for a fact that anything is going on once he does duck out on a break! The fact of the matter is Band Boy spends a lot of time trying to convince me that he goes home and crashes after a gig...alone! A lot of time trying to convince me that the skinny groupies are all old "friends" from back in his Sunset Strip days. A lot of time trying to convince me that while he isn't lacking for female attention, he isn't interested in sacrificing his goal to make it to Nashville for something temporary! A lot of time trying to convince me that his oat-sowing days are over.

All I know is that flirty chatter with co-workers never involves me and the skinny groupie interest of the night will never be me. It sucks! I know I am the one he talks to about dreams, goals, what could have been and what could be! I don't imagine he emails the co-worker he flirts with about Kofi Anin wanting U.S. intervention into world affairs but he does me! Ok... I know I am turned on by the intellectual type so I wouldn't want it any other way! But would it KILL him to say I look cute?? EVERYONE ELSE DOES! He knows I know this will never happen for us so could he freakin throw me a bone once in a while???

I am stuck between not going and giving him the groupie-equivalent of the finger or going and have a good time despite how I feel I am enabling myself. I am allowing myself to wallow in this misery! When Mike, my Manhattan Beach bartender crush, made it clear we were just friends, all I had to do to get over it was to stop driving 60 miles r/t to the bar. I can't do that with Band Boy unless I quit my job! At least I sit in front of him and not in back of him where I would be sitting all day, shooting daggers into the back of his shaggy blond head with my eyes!
He is playing me, plain pure and simple. Regardless of if he realizes it or not, he is enjoying the intellectual banter of the smart girl yet interested in playing around/flirting with the skinny chicks. He knows I am upset so he offered to burn me a CD that he thought I would be interested in. He knows that gets me every time and this is the first time in a month or two he's done it. Coinsidence that it's happening this week? I don't think so!

I can't help who I like and neither can he! I get that! That is why I don't want to take this out on him as it is my issue! I don't want to burn the friendship as he truly is an awesome friend and a great guy.......mostly! But he is, after all, a guy! And we know which head guys think with.......even the non-guitar playing ones who aren't chick magnets!

I'll go! I'll be supportive! I'll be his friend! It's what I do best! And apparently, if I want male attention at all, it's what I will be doing the rest of my life!

Taking Up Knitting

I love Grey's Anatomy! The frustration, the joy, the humor......it all parallels my life! Right now, the character I am relating to the most is Meredith. Not the slutty, dating a hot vet Meredith, unfortunately! The frustrated, giving up on men, trying to be celebate by knitting Meredith! I think she might be on to something, giving up men for knitting! We both found great guys. Her's turned out to be married, mine turns out to just want a friend. Both men are fine with just being friends while Meredith and I struggle with this despite what we tell ourselves and others.

I am a very spirtual person. I believe in God and am more than willing to let Him lead in all areas of my life! He can even have this one! Please God........please tell me what to do with this relationship/friendship! Dump it because it isn't what I want it be? Stick with it to see what it might be? Be content with what it is? All I know is that what has been clear to my friends for months has now become clear to me: this "friendship" is more of a game than a relationship! I am being "played". I have known it deep down but refused to see it. Now I feel like I am being smacked upside the head with it and I don't like it one bit!

He makes it clear that it's important to him that I go to his gigs.......then sneaks off with redhead claims girl on the breaks. He tells me the heartfelt stuff and then turns around and gleefully tells me how this cute girl tells his friend "if you don't make a play soon, i'll just go after him". Well.....if the object here is to make me jealous, it works! I get it! He's popular with the girls and clearly not interested in me that way! I am the buddy! Great! While I was content with that for a year and a half, now I just feel ...stupid!

The problem here is my honesty! Usually it's the best policy. In this case, though, I think I played my hand way to early! He has known about my crush all along and while I don't think he has it in him to consciously take advantage, he has enjoyed the attention! He is a rocker used to the groupies, used to the loose women throwing themselves at him, used to the attention! I am just one of the many! Another in a long line of broken hearts.

So where do I go from here? I don't know. I keep getting reeled in! It doesn't take much. I get frustrated........swear to myself I AM not going to see him play.. hear him joke around with me and then turn around 10 minutes later and make plans to go with a co-worker to his gig! Then he openly flirts with coworkers right in front of me and I run to the bathroom to cry! And then he will smile, joke around, burn me a CD and the cycle starts over again. Its awful! And totally not worth it. I am done!

Meredith has the right idea to swear off men, take up knitting and become celibate! I dont imagine I am much of a knitter, but I write! And that is where I am going to be spending my time. Writing about how I am not going to see him play, putting on my music so I cant hear him try to joke around with me. Let him come to me to see if Im pissed. If he doesnt so be it! I am sure he has MANY other women to bat their eyes and fall victim to the charm. I wasnt the first and wont be the last. And he wont be the last band boy for me!

A Girl And Her Dogs

I come home every night and see the cutest face peaking out at me from the top of the stairs. He runs down and gives me a kiss with enthusiasm usually reserved for lottery winners. It is a kiss that starts at the bottom of my chin and usually ends up all over my glasses. And after that kiss, when I look down at the wagging tail and loving eyes of my Rottweiler named Bear, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Bear, his brother Thor and I became roommates March of 2002. They were three months old when I moved in with their owner Val and I wasn't exactly thrilled to see them. They were feisty and chewed on everything! As any young children are, they were high maintenance. I am sure I didn't impress them either! I was a whiny human, afraid of what she heard were "vicious Rottweilers". They were adorable and the more we got to know each others personalities, the more we came to love each other.

I began to recognize Bear not only by his purple collar but also by his feisty nature. As crazy as he is loving, Beanie became our problem child in no time flat. He is the one running around like he just had a vente triple shot latte! Always inquisitive, always a scamp! He is Dennis The Menace in dog form! It's this hooligan behavior that prompted him to steal green beans right off of Vals plate. She branded him the bean stealer. We shortened it to "Beanie and then to the beanster. The names somehow fit.

Thor is our mellow love bug! He will kiss you by licking any available part of your anatomy until you cant take it no more! His need for closeness is great in the winter when its cold but unbearable in the summer when its hot. Thor seems content to let his brother run wild until he realizes it gets Beanie all the attention. Then he will sit on the floor and talk to me until I give him love too! Thor isnt without his own craziness! He had his moment of brilliant rebellion when he ran out the front door and proceeded to get hit by a car! When he ran home, climbed up the stairs and went to bed while I combed the neighborhood looking for him, I realized his nature is more quiet determination than wild craziness.

What they both have in common, despite the differences in their nature, is their inexhaustible ability to love unconditionally. I can scold them, yell at them or bop them on the nose for begging and it wont stop them from kissing me or running to the door happily when I come home!
What they have in me is someone who loves to sit on the steps and love fest with them! Someone who will talk to them, play with them, love them unconditionally for the rest of their lives!

It is this unconditional love that I have been looking for all my life! I have just been looking for it in a man! I have found it in my boys! And while they may drink out of the toilet, at least they don't leave the seat up! That is most likely better than you will get with any man! That's why I love my boys as much as they love me. I am truly the luckiest girl in the world!

The Future Of Dating?!?

Everyone these days is venturing into the sea of internet dating! There is plenty of it out there! Every day I sign into my email and see a banner add for a different dating site! As a single soon-to-be 41 year old, I am intrigued! What is this internet dating about? Does it work?

The weddings I have been to lately would testify to it's success! Both were E-Harmony hook ups and both are still going strong! I have to believe that the couples involved took the time to get to know each other on and off-line. I do know that both couples were Christian and have a strong foundation in Christ. That helps immensely, to be sure! However, for every successful internet dating wedding I go to, I hear several horror stories. I see profiles on Dateline about pedophiles caught in stings set up with phony internet "hook ups". I myself experienced internet dating horror just this week. I am sure my horror story was mild in comparison compared to some others. But it still makes me wonder: are all the guys out there in cyberspace pigs, freaks or weirdos?

I put up a myspace page to keep in touch with my friends. Dude emails me and tells me I am cute, can we chat. So we do! All week it's light, get to know you conversation. We have simular tastes in music and his favorite show is "The West Wing". Not the stuff life long commitment is based on, but it's a start. He seems normal. We talk hockey, and about our jobs.

Then after 3 days of emails back and forth he asks if I would like to "hook up". Now, I don't like to consider myself naive but I use that term to mean "get together.....hang out". I am aware there is a more literal translation of the term but I won't do it so I don't use it. I only wish I could of seen his face when he read my reply: "I think we should do it in public". I was thinking meeting at Starbucks. What he meant was clear when he replied "I was thinking more like the Marriott so my wife doesn't find out"!

Not all men are pigs, I do realize that. I know a couple of them that are amazing! One is married and it's been said that is the reason he is so amazing! His wife trained him to be that way! :)
The question remains: how to amazing, sane, intelligent women like me find amazing, sane, intelligent men? Can it be on the internet and is internet dating for me? Do I have what it takes to venture into the great unknown of cyberspace to find my soulmate?

I am going to keep swinging for the fences. In cyberspace or otherwise. I think dating is a law of averages! Finding that awesome guy is like finding the proverbial needle in the haystack. The more haystacks you look in, the better your chances are of finding that needle. Best case scenario, I find my soulmate! Not so best case, I find material to write about in my blog!

Men As Friends~~Is It Posssible?

This weekend I was talking to a friend of mine about guys. I was surprised to find out we have similar problems: we have found guys who aren't interested in the way we want them to be interested!

I was shocked to hear Jane has a man problem. She is one of those woman who you would think would be the last to have men issues! She is talented, funny, pretty, blonde. The type you would hate if she wasn't so wonderful! She has a friend who wants to be the "booty call" but nothing more. Jane isn't going to lower her standards to this and she shouldn't. So the friendship remains even though Jane has been yearning for something more for years.

I, like Jane, seemed to have found the perfect guy! Band Boy is talented, smart, funny, kind. He is close to his family! He is passionate about what he believes in. He volunteers and keeps up on whats going on in the world. He's a sports fan! He is self-affacing! He has confessed to a love of being in a relationship with the right person and yearns for the day he can kick back and watch his kids run around the backyard!

Reading that list of characteristics you would think he's a monk or that a guy this great must be a perfectly concocted vision of my imagination. Nope... Band Boy is real and he is a musician! You read right......a musician! A stereotype-bucking, cute, wickedly talented musician! A musician who has lived the rock star past, moved on and has grown-up! What is so hot is that while he may have grown up, he hasn't lost sight of his dream to make it in music! He has the talent and drive to make it happen and the integrity, modesty and faith to keep his head in the right place while doing it!

A friend once said finding her husband was like sending God a laundry list of what she wanted in a man and God delivering him to her door. The same could be said about Band Boy! I can't think of a characteristic on my list that Band Boy doesn't have. However, there was a hitch in my delivery. I was delivered the perfect guy and Band Boy was delivered the "buddy".
That's right, it's the age-old situation: I am the "friend that's a girl"...the buddy! I show up at his gigs and bring my friends. He supports my weight loss. Our emails are funny....supportive.....interesting! But that is where we keep it: email and the occasional phone call! Due to schedules, this is how it is! Would I love to hang, go to a concert or hockey game like I do with the rest of my friends, sure! Is it going to happen? Not likely. As frustrating as it is for me, how can I fault him for having a dream and the determination to make it happen! He is working days at the 9-5 and the rest of his waking hours working on pursuing the music career. He has no time to breathe, let alone anything else.That drive and sacrifice diferentiates the successful from the regretful. It is a very attractive quality to me! As a friend, I support that and should not be jealous of it! It isn't easy!

As I thought back to my conversations this weekend, it hit me: It wasn't disappointment I was feeling over Band Boy not liking me as more than a buddy or frustration that our friendship isn't what I want it to be. It is the fear that he is the last remaining quality guy on the planet that makes me sad!

We live in a media driven society. The media tells us that men are "only after one thing" and that the one thing is sex.......preferably with a Victoria Secret model eating a hamburger half naked while soaping down a hot rod! The average looking woman who drives her car through the car wash while eating a salad doesn't stand a chance! We are told men don't want to commit, want a young thing, just want to date! We are told they ALL go after what they want and if they don't they are "just not into you". This is why I believe women cling to the good guys like fleas on a dog! We are told they are hard to come by so if you luck into finding one, hang on!It just sucks when you do find one and he wants to be just a buddy! Or does it?

What is wrong with having a great guy friend? They can offer insight into the thinking of that weird other gender! They can explain sports and possibly fix our cars! They can support and be there for us without any of the complications of sex or restrictions of being exclusive. Women and men can learn how to relate to each other within the comfort of a friendship and not worry about rejection. There is freedom and comfortability in friendship you can trust and depend on.

This is what I have with Band Boy. As someone who has keep weight on to keep people away, I haven't had a lot of experience in relating to anyone honestly! Having Band Boy as a friend continues to be the ultimate learning experience! In the year we have been friends he has brought out the best in me. I learned early on that honesty and communication are important to any relationship, especially this one! And with that knowledge and the trust I have in our friendship, I have opened up in ways I didn't know I could. This doesn't mean we are conflict free. No way! We have just learned how to relate to each other. We are two stubborn, opinionated people! With Band Boy I have learned to not view everything as a battle! I have learned to put others feelings before mine! I have learned that honesty and vulnerability don't always come back to bite you in the rear! And we both learned that with humor, honesty and understanding, we can overcome any difference we may have!

Support is crucial in friendship and I think we do that for each other! I support the chase of the dream by getting the word out about gigs and going to see him play! I bring my friends and we have a blast! I am there to listen when need be and push......nag, maybe......to get him to slow down! As with any good friendship this support goes both ways! He is the best "food police" I could ask for and supports my weight loss effort wholeheartedly! I know I can count on him for advice with friend trouble, work trouble, fellow "groupie" trouble! My best friends love him and wish they could find a guy like him!

Writing this blog has revealed to me that is it possible for men and women to be friends! Band Boy and I are proof positive of this! Women should stop whining that these wonderful friendships with men aren't what we want them to be and embrace them for what they are!

Besides, who knows what will happen in the future! Jane told me this weekend that she knows God has a great guy picked out for her and when she finds him, it will be so easy! She is right! I think I am going to abandon the fear of Band Boy being the last good guy on earth. I am sure God will find a way to put me together with the perfect guy for me! When he does, it will be amazing! If it eventually becomes Band Boy, great. If it doesn't, I will still have one of the most amazing friends!

Some wise person once said "You can't pick your family, thank God you can pick your friends". My friends are my surrogate family! I love them all! Friends are a true gift from God and treasure them! And with their love and support, I will take full advantage of this season of being single! I will have fun without being tied down, dare to pursue the dreams I want, stay up all night and watch chick flicks or hockey, flirt shamelessly and live life to the fullest! I will be sharing this with all my awesome friends and I can't think of a better way to live!

Another Band, Another Decade!

Musicians. I love them, gavitate toward them, understand them! I speak fluent musician and always have! I don't remember when this started as finding musicians growing up was not as much of having friends in a band as it was having friends IN BAND! Yes, I am a band/drama geek and I have hung around the 'artsy' types all my life. I have always been drawn to the creativity, the energy, the passion. And while I can't pinpoint the time this all started, I do know exactly where I was the first time I heard the words that would change the landscape of my social life forever. Those words were "wanna come see my band play"?

The year was 1984, the music was new wave and the hair was big! It was my first year out of high school and my first job out of McDonalds. Matt Valentine, my co-worker at JC Penney Catalog, was the bass guitarist for "The American Ladds". The Ladds were a Duran Duran-type pop band and played clubs all around LA. JC Penny was an atmosphere ripe for band promotion! A cubicle farm who's inhabitants were 20-somethings with time on their hands!

It's Been One Year

It has been a year since my gastric bypass surgery! It has been 92 boxes of two point bars...........countless egg white omelettes.........1 point pitas..........skinny cow ice creams.........laughing cow cheese.......flat diet cherry pepsi..........boneless skinless chicken breasts galore......

Yet it isn't all about the food. I have made immense emotional strides as well! I have learned that inner peace is a work in progress. I have learned that I don't have to always be right. I have learned that the feelings of others can be of equal importance as my own and sometimes they can be even more important. I have learned the importance of faith and the leaning on that faith to get me through when it used to take food. I have learned to laugh more and judge less.
It has been 365 days since my surgery. 365 days........45 Weight Watcher meetings........52 weeks...........95 pounds. I am quick to say I have ONLY lost 95 pounds. 95 pounds is a major accomplishment and for me it is only 1/2 way! When I do think of the loss as only 95, I do get discouraged! Discouraged with myself for falling off the wagon and losing the same 3 pounds for the last 2 1/2 months. Yes.........I haven't gained but I haven't been moving forward either!
There has been a lot going on the last couple of months that have given me the excuse to overeat. I first had to lose the 5 holiday pounds that I let myself get away with. I used food to deal with crappy holiday stress! It used to be a 10-12 pound gain. This time it was only 5.
Once that 5 pounds was lost....again.... I found more excuses not to hit my 100 pound loss! Eating over the stress of my friendship with "Band Boy" and my self-imposed financial mess were my top two. However, the excuses didn't have to be about me. I found myself eating over Michelle's stress with "drummer boy", Bodie Miller's tanking at the Olympics, my Mom and sister fighting over what to do with the ailing health of my Grandfather. Shoot......I was even eating because Meredith screwed over George on "Greys". ( I am such a George.......friend to all, loved by none).

The key to this is the word "was". I WAS eating over all these things. It has been one year since my weight loss surgery. One year of changing both physically and mentally. To stop the progress now would be sad. To go back to the way I was would be tragic! I can't do it! No Band Boy or financial mess is worth it! Those things are temporary! I'll survive both of them only if I stay on the road to good health.

Today I start fresh. I am going to not rest on my laurals but move forward. I am not done with this. I will be a foodie the rest of my life. I have come a long way but have a long way to go. I will look at my current weight as the starting point to my new year of weight loss! Today is the one year anniversary of my gastric bypass surgery but it is the first day of the rest of my life. I want to live that life active, healthy and at my goal weight. That journey starts today!

Awesome Jovi Show

WOW! I can't believe the show I saw last night! In 20 years, I have seen roughly 45 Bon Jovi shows in 7 states, including 4 shows at Giant's Stadium in New Jersey! Last nights Staples Center show was the best I have ever seen the band!

On my way home, I thought back to the show and tried to figure out what about it was so amazing! The first thing that came to mind was the energy. From the first note the band played, the sold out crowd of 19,000 was on their feet! And it didn't look like many sat down the entire night! From "Last Man Standing" and "Complicated" to the ole standbys of "Livin on A Prayer" and "Runaway" the band played with the same high-octane energy that they did back when they had something to prove. Yet, Jon and Richie could have sat on two barstools and played like the veterans they are and we all would have loved them! Not this band! This band cranked it up 3 notches and kept it there all night! The electricity in the air reminded me of the shows of the "Slippery" tour!

Then I thought of the fact that there was little stage banter and lots of music! For over 2 1/2 hours, we were treated to new songs, old songs, cover songs! Shan and I discussed on the way down what we wanted to hear! I wanted "Complicated" and she wanted Richie to sing "I'll Be There For You". We got that and more! Even a song that I am kind of tired of, "Bad Medicine" was revved up and rockin like I never heard it before! For the first time in at least two tours, that song was one of my favorites of the night!

It was nice to hear Jon has kind of lightened up on his view of California! Two of my favorite shows have happened here and the one in `93 had Jon saying it was the best of their career (at that time). Hopefully after 20 years he has come to realize that we aren't all that bad! :)
I think if I had to put this into a word, the word would be gratitude! The fans are grateful the band loves us like they do and gives their all. And it was apparent in the way they played and in some things that were said that the band is grateful we have all shared in this journey together. And we are all grateful it's a journey that shows no signs of ending!

Friendship Jovi Style

As I sat Staples last night watching my friends on the floor from my seat in the rafters, I thought about what Bon Jovi and their music has meant to the last 20 years of my life, the same two words kept popping into my head: love and friendship.

When I first heard the band, I was 21 and living on my own for the first time! A friend of mine lent me this new album she just bought and said to put it on when I felt lonely. She said it was a granteed, drug-free high". The album was Slippery When Wet. Since then, I have come to depend on Bon Jovi to lift me when I am down and to be there to celebrate with me when there is reason to. Just like the band is to each other, their music is to me: true friends.

In the past 20 years, I have also come to find that there are no better friends than other Jovi fans. The band has a comraderie with each other that just rubs off on all of us. We are a like a family. We are sometimes dysfunctional but we are as united in our love for each other as our love for the band! We fight and get back together. We suffer the down times together and keep each other informed. We celebrate birthdays, births, weddings, divorces and the all around craziness of life. We share amazing experiences like singing on the radio to win tickets to a club show or traveling together across country to see the band in New Jersey, as my friend Cindy and I did for the last two tours! I have met Canadian and Japanese Jovi friends as well as friends from all across America! We cross cultural backgrounds as well as thousands of miles!

As I look back at the last 20 years on my life, I think back to the friendships that faded and the new ones that formed. I thought back to the jobs lost and the one I have had for the last 7 years. I thought about the times I have moved and the home I have now. The one sole constant in my life is Bon Jovi! Their music and love of their fans is something I hang on to when everything else in my life is chaotic! And I can always depend on the music and the friendship to keep me going!

LUUUUUC!!!!

I was so excited to go to Tip A King this year! I was on a mission! The mission being to catch up to Luc Robitaille and let him see how much I have changed!

So I stood in his line for 2 1/2 hours! I was thrilled when they closed the line right after I got in it! As I waited, I thought of the last 19 years! The first time I met him outside the Forum with his then girlfriend Nancy Mckeon waiting for him......standing out in the rain at Culver City Ice Rink to sing Happy Birthday to him in French..... all the gifts and pictures........the charity softball and hockey games...how he would call me by name and ask how school was going....how proud I was when he went home to Montreal the Kings first trip to the Stanley Cup finals.......the heartbreak when he was first traded....the joy when he came back to Anaheim as a Ranger and came down from his hotel room to say hi to me....... all the amazing goals and games won.......how I cried like a baby watching him skate with the Cup and wishing like Hell he was doing it here.......

I finally got up to him and was thrilled he recognized me and asked where I had been. I told him since the team moved downtown he was a little harder to get to. When I showed him the old picture of the two of us and told him that was 95 pounds ago he said three words I will NEVER forget: "You look amazing"! I was thrilled! We talked a little about him winning the cup and how we both wish he does it again here! After we took a current picture I told him he was going to be my "before and after" pictures he laughed and told me not to be a stranger! I said ok and he told me again how great I look!

WOW! WOW! WOW! I think I floated to the back of the line and couldn't wait to tell Shannon! I tell you, I will live forever on this one compliment! This is why I have loved Luc for 19 years and he will always be in my heart! What a sweet and classy guy!

I am going to work hard so this time next year, at Tip A King 2007, I'll have a new picture to take with Luc. The final weight loss picture. God willing, I will be at my goal weight and he will have won his 2nd Cup, this time with the Kings!

ONE MONTH!!

Wow! I can't believe it has been one month! It just seems like yesterday I was inquiring as to whether or not this would be a good idea! It turned out to be the best thing I ever did! No complications.....really speedy recovery.....WOW!

I finally figured out how to balance my scale at home and it says 288! That would be 52 pounds! I am on track to be over 85 pounds down at my 3 month post-op appointment in June! Wouldn't that be awesome! But I am trying not to count on that! What really matters is how I feel and that is wonderful! For the first time in well over a year, I am not only sleeping for a full 7 hours but sleeping in the bed and not a chair! I am also getting up on my 15 minute breaks and just taking a short walk around our building! Exercise, which was once so foreign to me, is now becoming a way of life! I look for social activities that involve walking, not shy away from them.

Exactly one month to the day of my surgery, I found a protein shake I really like! I mix a cappucchino one with a french vanilla one and drink it all day! Not only do I get 54 grams of protein but also 125 mg of caffeine! :) It does figure that this would happen the week I start to incorporate food! :)

The food thing is amazing to me as well. The person who used to drive through Carls Jr. for breakfast and order a breakfast star combo and french toast sticks now can barely finish 1/2 of a Yopliat yogurt! That is so wild! But I am finding that there are certain foods I just have a struggle with: mashed potatoes! I could live on them! The garlic mashed from the Outdoor Grill in Northridge are especially dangerous! I can't stop eating them when they are around. Well....I do stop and far sooner than I usually would but it is tough! Right now, they are fine because I am only getting in around 500 calories but they are a trigger food that should be avoided! My stomach is so small that I would be wiser to put protein and good veggie carbs in there so I can eventually kick the protein shakes for good! Yippee!

What is letting me know that the surgery will result in permanent change is that I can recognize the mashed potatoes as the comfort/trigger food they have been all my life! I know this and can now either work with them or avoid them. I can't believe I am finally able to see this! This is the great thing about this process! After detoxing all the junk out of my system, I can really appreciate food! The tastes.....the textures....the smells! I have never stopped shoveling the food in to really enjoy it! I have always looked at food as a thing to fear and not a thing to enjoy! Food is really just fuel for our body, right! Well....what if God just made these less than wonderful shakes to nourish our bodies? No barbeque chicken....broccoli...spinich omelettes or even mashed potatoes? We are blessed that the nourishment we need for our bodies comes in such a wonderful wide variety! I can't believe how much I used to abuse that by eating such junk and mass quantities of it! It is amazing that I ended up as healthy as I am! Praise God!

Now if I could only figure out how to do protein drink...food ....AND water! I am up to two glasses of water (24 oz total) and try to get in more every day! I just need to get a routine down!

Love from this work in progress,
Cynthia :)

Back To The Real World

Today marks the first day back to work! The first day back to the 5Am-10PM schedule! Work-Gym-Activity-Home! Ya know what, I am thrilled to be back to reality! I like having my old routine back!

Eating...or lack thereof....is still a challenge but I think I am getting the hang of it! Protein shake and water alternating every 1/2 hour with pureed (baby) food for 1 half hour for lunch and dinner! And since I have been putting my protein shake in a water bottle, it is easy to transport! Great for my crazy schedule!

Work today was great! People are noticing the weight loss! 53 pounds total! I can walk without feeling like I am going to die! I am much happier!

:)

TWO WEEKS DOWN!!

Wow! Has it been two weeks? I can't believe how time flies! But it has been a good two weeks! I got plenty of rest and worked on building my energy up! I guess the energy building worked! I felt well enough to sing in all 5 Easter services this weekend! What a blessing!

Yesterday was my two week post-op visit with my doctor! For the first time in my life I was excited to get weighed. The grand total is 36 pounds lost! That is 20 pounds in the two weeks since the surgery! WOW! It was a short visit with the doctor because I am doing so well! He basically said that if I felt like doing it, go ahead and do it! So tomorrow the girls and I are going to Disneyland! I need to walk and that is a great place to walk! Plus if I get tired, there are plenty of places to rest and people watch!

Another blessing is that I got the ok to get back in the pool! YEAH! I swam 30 minutes today and will try to work every day to get up to my pre-op time of 45 minutes in the pool!

So today I start with blended foods. It took me the better part of the AM to get my protein shake in but thanks to a friends blessing I finally found one I like! I am going home to have 4 oz of blended chicken and vegges! After 16 days of nothing but water and proteing drink, I am very excited!

This is such an amazing journey and such a wonderful gift from God! From the pre-weight loss to the surgery to the recovery and fasting, I have had no problems! I am so blessed!

:)

4 Days Post Op!! Yeah!

Wow! What a crazy experience this has been! I will be honest and tell you that if I had known exactly what I was in for, I may not have done it. But I am glad I did!

I was rushed into surgery on Tuesday morning. My scheduled time was 11:30 AM but the guy before me was late. So they took me first! What a blessing! The minute I hit the doors to get prepped for surgery, I paniced! I didn't have enough time for it to be enough for me to back out because I immediately got undressed and met with Dr. Dutson's assistant and the two anesthesiologists! The said they were giving me something to calm my nerves.....and then that was it! Next thing I remember was seeing Dr. Dutson was in the ICU, where I was being monitored for my sleep apnea! He told me they found a birth defect that almost cancelled my surgery! My diaphragm had formed a pocket and my intestines were pushed up inside it! How weird! They decided to go ahead with the surgery since I had been living with the defect without complication. Dr. Dutson said he pulled my intestines back where they are supposed to be and that we will talk about it 100 pds from now!

The first 24 hours I was in ICU. The nurses in ICU were great! They brought me cold wash clothes for my face and almost let me wait until after American Idol to go for a walk. That is, until the doc came in and made me go! :) I had visitors and calls that night so I was ok! They didn't even mind me pushing the pain med button every 5 minutes even though it only works every 15! :) I was only there to be monitored for my sleep apnea. They had me hooked up to a machine that seemed to wake me whenever I dosed off! I guess that was a good thing!

The next 24 hours was on the surgery ward in a semi-private room! The pain was slowly getting better! I only asked for the Oxycontin twice! I had a great nurse who just advised me to breath thru the pain and to get up and walk it off! I won't lie and tell you all was smooth! The drain they put in causes the most amazing pain and the catheter is painful and annoying! But walking and breathing made it much better! I took so many laps around the ward, the nurses would set their watches by me!

Everyday feels better and better! Yesterday I got up to about 40 grams of protein and took two walks around my caul de sac. Today I am at the library typing this! I also achieved a major milestone in that I went to IHOP with my Mom for breakfast and didn't feel sorry or tempted at all! Oh, sure! Everything looked and smelled great! I just didn't care. I sat and sipped my Isopure every 15 minutes, knowing that in 8 months or so I can have a bite of pancakes!

I am so glad this is over! Anyone with questions, feel free to ask!

The best is yet to come!

Cynthia

This Is It!!!

Wow! It is t-minus 4 hours and counting! 11:30 today! My mom and I are in a hotel room in Santa Monica, just minutes from the hospital! I have to check in a 9AM so we decided to come out last night to avoid the traffic! It's been nice having time with my Mom!

I had been a little nervous about the non-eating after the surgery but after the last two days of clear liquids only, non-eating isn't an issue! I just tell myself food is only fuel for the engine and nothing else. Then I pray! That worked real well! The craving for bagels and cream cheese went away today! :)

I also learned how important getting the protein in is! I tried to run errands yesterday and really felt crummy! Grape juice and chicken broth don't do much for energy. Starting tomorrow I am on a liquid protein diet!

I can't wait! I sat at home yesterday and when hunger pangs hit, I got out the new issue of Vogue and looked at all the new outfits I am going to wear! When I got nervous, I thought of my upcoming shopping spree in New York. And when I realized I may not be able to afford that, I started thinking about shopping at Old Navy! I can't wait! By July or so, I should be able to shop at Old Navy! I love Old Navy! :)

Well.....the time has come! I am really going to do this! I can't believe it is here already! This time tomorrow I will be a completely remodeled person. But as my Mom just reminded me, I will still be me...just in a better body! That doesn't sound so bad!

:)

I Will Say Yes!!

Wow! My life will be so different in just one short week! This is so crazy to even think about! No more gum, Advil, eating fast or drinking with meals! No popcorn, no sugar, limited caffeine! No food for a month, blended food for the month after that! Yikes! However, in just a few short weeks/months it will be no more squeezing into booths at restaraunts! No more being pulled out of curbside check-in at the airport so they can make sure I fit in the seat and no more seat belt extenders! No more declining trips to Magic Mountain because I can't ride the roller coasters. Mo more worrying about limitations in dressing cool for summer and no more shopping at "fat" stores. No more struggling with standing for 20 minutes to sing at church! Those trade offs seem more than fair! I will choose the latter set of "no mores" over the first few in New York minute!

Life is about choices. We always have a choice. And with choices comes responsibility and consequenses. For the first 40 years of my life, I blamed everything and everyone else for my lifestyle. It was their fault I was miserable! And the consequences of not following healthy habits were not severe to me: lonliness, limited clothes choices, mobility limitations. I haven't had a real date in my adult life. I talked myself into not caring. I just made myself busy with work and my limited social life so I wouldn't think about it. There was a reason I hated being by myself, being quiet! I didn't want to think about how miserable, lonely and sad I truly was!

Once I owned up to this lifestyle, I realised you can only play the blame game for so long. And then it is all up to you! I am not going to be the 40 year old grossly obese woman who uses a motorized cart to get around Vons! I just AM NOT going to be that woman! I am not going to turn down nights out with my friends because I could barely walk from the car to the hockey arena! I am not going to read the travel section of the paper and only wish I could go hiking or surfing!

The first 40 years of my life were about what I couldn't do. The next 40+ years of my life will be about the new things I can do! There will be no limitations! Instead of saying no, I will say yes!

I will say yes to walking, swimming, rollerblading on the Strand. Yes to going to the gym and loving it! Yes to skiing in Tahoe, surfing in Hawaii and hiking in Yosemite! I will say yes to biking in Catalina and wave running on Lake Mohave!

I will say yes to flirty, short dresses, strappy sandles and sleeveless shirts. I will say yes to tailored jackets, cute skirts and a shopping trip to Barneys in New York for new clothes! I will say yes to reading fashion magazines for more than just makeup tips!

I will say yes to being emotionally available and fearless with my relationships!I will say yes to forgivness and no to bitternes! I will say yes to tolerence and love! I will say yes to the hurt and not shy away, knowing that it is part of the process! I will say yes to getting out there and giving dating a shot! I will say yes to not having my weight to hide behind! I will say yes to a date with Ryan Seacrest, George Clooney or Brad Pitt. Or to the cute, nice guy I meet at Starbucks or church! I will say yes to marriage, knowing that with God and two people willing to work at it, marriage does work. I will say yes to marriage, knowing it is worth the struggle! I will say yes to continuing helping others with their kids, knowing that saying no to having my own is best for me! :)

I will say yes to viewing food as fuel for the engine! And to say yes to food being fuel, I will have to say no to food being a best friend, boyfriend, or nurturing parent. I will say yes to the occasional indulgence within what is reasonable but will no longer say yes to my boys, Ben and Jerry, when I am lonely or stressed!

I will say yes to God supplanting food is my strength and comfortor! I will say yes to asking Him what he wants for my life and actually listening! I will say yes to following His purpose and call for my life! I will say yes to His love and grace!

As I write this, I feel so free! I feel unafraid of what is ahead! What is a few weeks of chicken broth and blended chicken when I have the rest of my life to say yes to all that God will give me! And I know what he is going to give me will be amazing! Far better than any food!

I can't wait! Bring it on!

:)

Revising My Motivation!

***Sigh*** Just found out that concert is standing room for $80 and for $158 you might be able to get a seat in the back! :( Oh, well! I know insanity when I hear it and to do that only 4 weeks post-op is crazy! Even for the love of Bon Jovi. I can see myself doubled over, trying to tell the paramedics to pick me up along the 15, between the two cactus next to the huge tumbleweed! LOL! Not worth it, I keep telling myself! Oh, well! They are going on tour soon and i'll catch up with them and all my fellow crazies later. I am sure i'll see them on my 40th birthday.....in June......somewhere in the world.....a much thinner and healthier person!

Here is my new motivation: 4 years ago I was in NJ for the Bon Jovi shows at Giant's Stadium. My friend Cindy and I went to Asbury Park and took our picture along the boardwalk. I knew then I wanted to come back and take the exact same picture but as a much lighter person! I can't believe that is almost a reality!

:)

MOTIVATION!!!

Isn't God great? He knows exactly what will motivate me to do what I am supposed to do to aid in my recovery! Yep........it's a Bon Jovi show! April 10....Hard Rock Casino in Las Vegas! Do I want to go? You bet? Am I going to jepordize my health or my success? No. However, you can best believe it will be question #1 when I have my 2 week post-op visit with my doctor!

For those of you currently thinking I need to be committed, let me fill you in on the obessesion that is Bon Jovi! I have loved the band since I was 21! Their music has helped through some amazingly tough times, however, it isn't all bad. Some of the most amazing experiences of my 39 years have been because of my love of this band! I have traveled across the country to see their homecoming shows at Giants Stadium in NJ. I stood on my desk and sang the Star Spangled Banner at work while my boss pretended to moon me on Mark N Brian to be among 200 people to see them in a club on the Sunset Strip (got right up against the stage, close enough to read the brand of Jon's tennis shoes....AMAZING!!!). I risked a tresspassing arrest to meet Jon after an interview back in 1990. Among the craziness and fun, I have met some of the most amazing people and made wonderful friends! And I still hold fast to the dream that I will become thin and gourgous just to coincide with Jon having a mid-life crisis, moving to California, becoming a Christian rocker and ending up on a Rocky Peak worship team! That is a God sized dream to be sure! :)

So this Bon Jovi craziness has some history! Will I be able to go? Probably not. Do I welcome the possiblity as motivation? You bet! I just finished my 1st 15 minute walk today and will do another at lunch. I'll be drinking my protein every 15 minutes after surgery no matter how bad it tastes! I'll be doing short walks within my limits and following my post-op plans to the letter!

It is so important to have long and short term goals and God's timing is so dead on perfect! This is such a GOD THING!! He knows EXACTLY what it takes to motivate me :)

:)

TWO WEEKS!!!!

Wow! As of today, I have exactly two weeks until my surgery! I am getting excited! I started a collage of things I want to be/do after my surgery! My first thing was a picture of a gourgous size 10 outfit from Mosichino----$985!!! Much cheaper is my picture of someone surfing a wave in Hawaii! I need to find a picture of people hiking in Yosemite!

My Mom is being so awesome! So is everyone! My roommate Val, my best friends Terri and Shan, and my wonderful, loving and most awesome church family!!!! God has blessed me with love and friendship to the depths of which I never could imagine but always hoped I would have!! I could have never thought about doing this without each person who blesses and enriches my life! You are all amazing!

:)

WAHOOOO! Pre-Op Was A Success! :)

WHEW! I am glad that major step is over!! After 4 1/2 hours at UCLA, I am now cleared for surgery! I lost 16 of my required 17 pounds and I was told they rarely see someone so healthy. The nurse told me once I get my weight off, I will be in awesome shape! That is so great to hear! When you are 200 pounds overweight and the media is pounding in to you the dangers of obeisity, you get scared! To my huge benefit, I am doing this while I am still young and the dangers haven't taken their toll yet! I have a feeling that I am doing this just in the nick of time!

The most amazing thing I found out is that my blood sugar has dropped from 120 to 99! WOW! Amazing what no fast food and exercise will do!

I am already planning my shopping expedition for new clothes...........IN NEW YORK!! God is so awesome! He has planned my surgery to coinside with JetBlue's new service from Burbank to JFK for $217 RT!!!!!!! Going to save $$$, WW points and time off so I can go to Barneys, Tiffanys and Jimmy Choos! If that isn't motivation, I don't know what is!

I will close this update with something I found on the coaster at this Brewery I was at last night...."Beauty is in the eye of the BEER HOLDER"! Words to live by!

Luv,
The soon to be thinner but poorer...Cynthia :)