BIG NEWS!!

I FINALLY have my appointment at UCLA! Yahoo! I go to talk to the surgeon on 11/15! Yes, it is two months away but you all should see the list of things I have to do. Get medical records, make appointments with psychotherapists and getting approvals from my medical group to do those things! Never mind the fact that anyone with the word "psycho" in their title makes me nervous!



UCLA is very comprehensive! They require that you bring someone from your support team as well as a notebook so you have a place to store all the information you will be given throughout the process. A very cool thing is that my Mom offered to drive over from Arizona to come with me to the appointment! Given her voiced disapproval for this surgery and our rocky history, I was blown away. She felt that this was a time where a mom could be of comfort! I would have cried had I not been so stunned!



So things are moving right along. I hope the pyschotherapist doesn't deem me mentally unstable. But then again, if I can hide it from all of you, I can hide it from anybody! LOL!



Luv,

the future surf diva!

Wow!

I initially thought this would be a journey to good physical health. What I

am finding is that this journey to good physical health has to also include

a journey to good mental health. I am not sure which is harder.



I have been thinking for sometime how I got this way. Denial was a huge

part of this. It was impossible for me to think of myself as fat. I pushed

those thoughts out of my head! Until now, I never thought of myself as

fat. I never looked in the mirror and hated to see myself in pictures. I

would always be the one behind the camera and never in front of it. As long

as I had the prom date, the social life, the good job at Disney and as long

as cute clothes were made in my size, I could deny the fact I was morbidly

obese. I was so terrified of facing this demon that I would panic at the

thought of a weekend alone. So I became a workaholic. If I was working, I

wasn't home alone with food and the feelings it medicated.



I would blame everyone else. If it wasn't my fault, than I didn't have to

be accountable. I could blame my natural mother for giving me up for

adoption. However, I know that she gave me up as an ultimate act of love. I

believe it would have been easier for her to keep me in poverty rather than

give me up in hopes of a better life for me. I could blame my adoptive

parents for getting a divorce but I think it would have been more miserable

for all involved if they had stayed together. I could blame any number of

friends who have left me along the way but that wouldn't be holding my

anger and all around miserable behavior into account.



Accountability. It is what has brought me to the discovery that I have no

one to blame for the 180 pd weight gain than myself. Food was the boyfriend

I never had, the parents I felt didn't love me, the promotion I didn't get,

the cure to loneliness and boredom. I had been eating to fill the "God

sized whole" that only He could fill, then denying the fact I did this.

Only since I have had God in my life have I been awoken to the fact that I

had been in denial all my adult life! Not only do I admit to having a

serious problem, but know who I need to help me take care of it!



This surgery is a God given gift for a second chance. I am blessed to have

this opportunity and denial won't be standing between me, God and success!



:)

A Lesson In Patience

God is so awesome! I thought He was using this weight loss surgery as way for me to get healthy. And I still believe this is true. However, being the supreme multi-tasker that he is, I also believe he is using it to a lesson I have still yet to learn. Patience is a virtue!



Patience for me just doesn't exsist! I have very little. I want it all and NOW! Especially in this case! See, I was hoping that since the other two referrals came through quickly that this one to UCLA would as well. However, it has been over a week since I last heard from them. They directed me to the web where I downloaded a 10 questionaire. They use this to determine eligibility for the surgery. I faxed it to them on 8/5 and now I wait!



I am not wasting the time! I am researching on the net, talking to people and going to seminars to find out all I can about the surgery, its risks and its sucesses! I am using the time to keep praying that this is Gods will, not mine! I am also using this time to think back on how I got to this point! I'll write more about that tomorrow but the point is that I am actually grateful to have this time.



A very wise and wonderful friend once told me that "Gods timing is perfect". It is! I cling to those words all the time as I struggle with patience. I know that when I am ready mentally and physically to have this surgery, God will open the doors. Until then, I keep waiting and researching!



To be continued.........



The future healthy me :)

I Am On My Way!

Well, I got the referral to UCLA for consultation for the gastric bypass and faxed my 10 page questionaire yesterday. Now UCLA decides if I am a likely canidate for the surgery and sends me a letter by mail telling me which surgeon to talk to. They also require appointments with a psychologist and nutritionist, which I think is a good thing!



I find my self in the supermarket line looking at wedding magazines and not worrying if there will be a wedding dress out there big enough to fit! Maybe that is why I never wanted to get married......no wedding dress in my size! It feels great to think I may not have to worry about that!



There is also amazing comfort in knowing that I am doing this with God leading the way! I don't think I would do something so risky and scary otherwise! Thanks to all of you for thoughts, concerns and prayers! Keep them coming and I will keep the updates coming as well!



Love,

The future skinny me! :)