Wow!

I initially thought this would be a journey to good physical health. What I

am finding is that this journey to good physical health has to also include

a journey to good mental health. I am not sure which is harder.



I have been thinking for sometime how I got this way. Denial was a huge

part of this. It was impossible for me to think of myself as fat. I pushed

those thoughts out of my head! Until now, I never thought of myself as

fat. I never looked in the mirror and hated to see myself in pictures. I

would always be the one behind the camera and never in front of it. As long

as I had the prom date, the social life, the good job at Disney and as long

as cute clothes were made in my size, I could deny the fact I was morbidly

obese. I was so terrified of facing this demon that I would panic at the

thought of a weekend alone. So I became a workaholic. If I was working, I

wasn't home alone with food and the feelings it medicated.



I would blame everyone else. If it wasn't my fault, than I didn't have to

be accountable. I could blame my natural mother for giving me up for

adoption. However, I know that she gave me up as an ultimate act of love. I

believe it would have been easier for her to keep me in poverty rather than

give me up in hopes of a better life for me. I could blame my adoptive

parents for getting a divorce but I think it would have been more miserable

for all involved if they had stayed together. I could blame any number of

friends who have left me along the way but that wouldn't be holding my

anger and all around miserable behavior into account.



Accountability. It is what has brought me to the discovery that I have no

one to blame for the 180 pd weight gain than myself. Food was the boyfriend

I never had, the parents I felt didn't love me, the promotion I didn't get,

the cure to loneliness and boredom. I had been eating to fill the "God

sized whole" that only He could fill, then denying the fact I did this.

Only since I have had God in my life have I been awoken to the fact that I

had been in denial all my adult life! Not only do I admit to having a

serious problem, but know who I need to help me take care of it!



This surgery is a God given gift for a second chance. I am blessed to have

this opportunity and denial won't be standing between me, God and success!



:)