Happy To Fall Into The Gap

WAHOO!!! I am finally shopping in a regular clothes store! Cathy and I were walking around Hollywood and Highland with her daughter. I got a bright idea about stopping in the Gap just to see if anything fit! IT DID!!! I fit into a XL t-shirt but it still fit! I didn't even have to shove anything into it! It fit! Can I tell you how exciting this is? I can see this will be the start of my clothes obsession! Great! Just as I am getting out of debt!
:)

Reflection In Big Bear

A weekend in Big Bear! Just what the doctor ordered! I just didn't know just how much I needed that weekend until the drive home Sunday! Stressed out more than I knew over dissolving friendship with Michelle and friendship in question with Band Boy, I headed up to the Womans Retreat, looking for answers! Lisa confiscated my cel phone on the drive up so I had no phone and no TV until I got home.....yikes!! With no distraction, I was able to think and get a grip before my life veered completely out of control.

It was a great weekend for reflection. I thought about: friendships. The ones you ditch and the ones you keep. The kind of friends I want and the kind of friend I want to be. Obviously in light of what has been going on with me the last couple of weeks, it was a topic hot and heavy on my mind. So with my friends from my lifegroup we cried.......journaled.....prayed......and talked! And through it all the belief that everyone and everything comes into your life for a reason was reconfirmed in a big way! Some stay........some go.........but all touch your life and through lessons learned change it forever.

It was also a weekend for renewal. Spirtual and physical! The physical renewal came at the perfect place! The weather was gourgous! We hiked up a hill and I faced my fear of heights to do what they call the zip line. You climb to the top of a very tall hill with a harness on. They attach you to a cable and you run down the hill, lift up in the air and "zip" across this field to the top of a hill on the other side! The cool thing was last year I couldn't have even attempted to climb the hill, much less zip across a cable! I swear, I am an active girl trapped in a fat girls body! But not for much longer. The the need toget the rest of the weight off was brought right back to the forefront of my mind! Right where it needs to be!

The spiritual renewal came from being up there in the mountains with God and 176 women who came with issues all their own, no less severe to them as mine were to me! We had seminars, services and a big bonfire Saturday night! It was at the bonfire that they gave us paper to write on what we had learned and what we were leaving behind! We were to then throw it in a suitcase, leaving our baggage behind! I left behind jealousy, unhealthy eating habits and my fear of being single forever! It's all a work in progress but I feel much better about the journey!

I do have to admit, I was sitting at the bonfire Saturday when someone said "I can't believe it's 11:00! And I thought of Band Boy at Oh Gradys and I missed being there and wondered if I was missed! Then I realized it didn't matter! God brought me up to that mountain for a reason! The reason being to see that my relationship with Band Boy masks a fear of being single for the rest of my life! And to realize He has wonderful things planned and I shouldn't be afraid! Trust Him! His love is all I need.

This weekend made me realize a lot of things and the main one was the extreme need to get my life back in balance. Before this weekend I didn't know how to do it. Well, I did......but was just afraid that if I did, my friendship with Band Boy would suffer. What if I didn't go to a gig and wasn't missed? So what! Now I can totally see our friendship will suffer (and has to some degree) by me NOT balancing my life! I may not go to every gig......every night........9-1! That doesn't mean I am not supporting Band Boy or believe in him any less than I have before. It means I am working on being the kind of friend I would want to have and the friend I know I can be. That can only be accomplished by getting my life centered and balanced!

I need to trust God by not manipulating the situation! I need to let go and let Him work, not just in me but in Band Boy as well! Only God knows what path Band Boy is on and how I am getting in the way! I knew I was in moving in the right direction when I sat in the chapel before we left Big Bear and prayed. Not for me.......for Band Boy. I prayed that God would bring him the love of his life, the woman who is everything he dreams of and everything he deserves! He is so worthy of that........and so am I. So I prayed that letting go of this situation will allow God to work in both our lives and bring us what we want and need.

So if the objective of the trip was to get away, it was accomplished. If it was to reconnect with my lifegroup friends, it was accomplished in a big way! If it was to gain balance and centering......it is... in the process of being accomplished. I went wanting to reconnect with God, who loves me more than anyone. I went wanting to get peace within my head and my heart. On all levels, the weekend was beyond everything I expected. It was a true gift from God!

Crazy Arizona Girl

I will never forget where I was when I heard the news! My friend Howard and I were watching "Northern Exposure" when my sister came in with the news that we were going to have an addition to the family! I immediately cried. I couldn't wait to be an aunt again! Her sister, Alexandria, was such a joy that I couldn't wait to my new niece!

Brianna Marie Smith was born on June 27, 1992. She was a beautiful baby! Smiling, happy! And she is growing up to be a beautiful young lady! My only disappointment is that I live to far away to be the aunt I wanted to be! I can't be at her school performances or take her out for ice cream! However, that doesn't mean I can't be a part of her life! I love hearing about the boys, about school and I am VERY excited to hear that she is writing songs! I love getting the emails from her with jokes and fun things! With the internet, we can send mail instantly, view pictures and keep in touch! I am so excited that she is on myspace! Modern technology is allowing Brianna and I a way to keep up with each other!

Brianna is becoming a wonderful young woman! She has many wonderful adventures in store for her and I can't wait to hear/read all about them!

Help A Girl Realize A Dream!!!

I saw this on EBay and almost swallowed my gum:

http://cgi.ebay.com/CELEBRITY-LUNCH-WITH-STAR-MUSICIAN-JON-BON-JOVI-
Lunch......me.......Jon Bon Jovi, the subject of every dream i've had since I was 21!!! The man I most want to be stranded on an island with! Me, Jon, SPF 50 and a bottomless bottle of Patron Silver!! This lunch would be my chance to invite him to my tropical island slice of heaven!
Then I saw the opening bid, the current bid and definitely swallowed my gum! $9000!! With days to go, that thing is going to climb up to the 10s of thousands of dollars! What's a girl with a dream to do??

I got to thinking and sent this email to my friends:

Oh My Ever Loving God! Who has $20-25k and wants to donate to not only a good cause but to the "Help Cyndie FINALLY get her picture taken With Jon and Die a Happy Woman" fund!
http://cgi.ebay.com/CELEBRITY-LUNCH-WITH-STAR-MUSICIAN-JON-BON-JOVI-
Me.....two other people.............JON "MAN OF EVERY DREAM I'll EVER HAVE IN MY LIFE" BON JOVI! ARRRRGGHH!! Who's in??

I figure if I can find 20, 000 people to donate a dollar, I'm golden! Hey, Jeff! Wanna play at the "Help Cyndie Stalk Bon Jovi" telethon???Oh to dream! Now we all know what I would do with all the money in the world! Now the wheels are turning! If I could find 25--30 thousand people to donate a dollar i'd be golden! It's a tax write off!

Who's in.......donate to giving me time, no matter how short, with the man of my dreams! I have $8. I only need apx. $19, 982!!
:)

Always The "Smart Chick", Never The "Hottie"

I was in Manhattan Beach with my roommate and my mom yesterday! It was a gorgeous day to be down there! The sky was sunny, the water sparkly and all the dyed blonde, surgically enhanced women were out in force! As much as that is one of my favorite places in all of Southern California, it isn't the best of places to go if your self-confidence is a few notches low.
The funny thing is that the woman that got me to thinking about my less than stellar body wasn't even blonde. The beautiful woman that crossed in the crosswalk in front of me while we were stopped at a red light was a brunette. What got me to thinking wasn't her hair color. It was her killer body! I said to my roommate, who was riding shotgun in the car much as she does in my life, "If I had a killer body like that, Band Boy would like me". She says "No way! If you had a body like that, you would be such a bitch even I wouldn't like you". We laughed hysterically! What a perfect thing to say to stop me dead in my tracks! I was truly on a one-way trip to Pitty Junction! What the comment did, though, was make me wonder if I truly would give up who I am to make someone else like me! Not likely!

When men look at woman with a killer body, what are they thinking about? Is it wow, I wonder what she thinks of the war in Iraq? Do they stop and consider if she would be the type that would crash on the couch to watch the Laker game and ask for a beer and nachos? Do they wonder what she thinks of the new Poison retrospective CD? NO! I can pretty much guarantee what any man will be thinking of when they look at a woman like that. It has nothing to do with her mind what so ever!

I have never had the killer body! So I have had to make up with it by being the funny, smart girl! I have always had friends in bands and have hung out in bars and clubs since I was in high school. I have never had a problem getting attention from guys although it might not be the attention I am looking for. For the most part, I am seen as non-threatning to the ego. They sit and talk to me about brainy crap, get a boost to the ego before they go over to slobber over the hottie and ask for that booty call. Whats funny is when they come crawling back to me when she shoots them down! Whats not funny is when they leave to go hook up and I am left alone and sad, waiting for my hopes to be built up by the next sad fool to come along.

Here is deal: while I think I would like the guy to slobber over me, to look at me and go wow, to get the booty call offer, I wouldnt know what to do with it if I got it. The thing is I am not going to have sex before marriage. Its a deal breaker for me! Non-negotiable. So for any man to proposition me like that would be pointless and a waste of time for all involved.

Truth be told, I like being the smart chick! I love making people laugh! These are also qualities that I look for in men and qualities I wouldnt give up for anything! I think it is society that makes me think I want the other! I am made to think that I am less than desirable if I am not a size 0, Paris Hilton wannabe! Bull! The Paris Hilton's of the world are great if the booty call is all you want. But even a superficial guy is going to want someone eventually that can carry on a conversation! Even the biggest creep is going to eventually want someone to ask him about his day, to care less about themselves and more about him! That is where a brainy, funny, caring chick is going to look very hot!

I have to be totally honest here: if Band Boy only wanted me for my killer body, I most likely would have nothing to do with him! I love a guy who is smart, who is funny and would ask me how my day went. I want the brainy, funny guy! I am not going to give the superficial guy the time of day! I need an intellectual equal, a guy who can challenge me mentally and I can challenge him!

I am reminded of that bumper sticker: I may be fat but you are ugly and I can diet. The same holds true for being a funny, smart chick! I can diet, I can tone up, I could conceivably have that killer body! And I could have my music addicted, sports loving, funny and smart personality on top of it! Holding on to my beliefs and staying true to myself will only stand to benefit me and the man I eventually marry! That makes me a hot chick despite my less than killer body!

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

It's Friday night! Do you know where your guitarist crazed, otherwise sane but in this case totally wacked out friend is? Good because neither do I! I wish I could tell you i'll be at my local multiplex with all the others watching Mission Impossible:3. I really do! Sitting there with people kicking my chair, rattling their candy wrappers, talking on the celphones while watching that overpaid, scientology wacked Tom Cruise blow up stuff! That sounds infinately better then what i'll most likely be doing: sitting on a stool, nursing a beer, watching band boy play before he ducks out the door on a break with whatever skinny groupie of the night gets his attention!

Ok! Truth be told, I don't know for a fact that anything is going on once he does duck out on a break! The fact of the matter is Band Boy spends a lot of time trying to convince me that he goes home and crashes after a gig...alone! A lot of time trying to convince me that the skinny groupies are all old "friends" from back in his Sunset Strip days. A lot of time trying to convince me that while he isn't lacking for female attention, he isn't interested in sacrificing his goal to make it to Nashville for something temporary! A lot of time trying to convince me that his oat-sowing days are over.

All I know is that flirty chatter with co-workers never involves me and the skinny groupie interest of the night will never be me. It sucks! I know I am the one he talks to about dreams, goals, what could have been and what could be! I don't imagine he emails the co-worker he flirts with about Kofi Anin wanting U.S. intervention into world affairs but he does me! Ok... I know I am turned on by the intellectual type so I wouldn't want it any other way! But would it KILL him to say I look cute?? EVERYONE ELSE DOES! He knows I know this will never happen for us so could he freakin throw me a bone once in a while???

I am stuck between not going and giving him the groupie-equivalent of the finger or going and have a good time despite how I feel I am enabling myself. I am allowing myself to wallow in this misery! When Mike, my Manhattan Beach bartender crush, made it clear we were just friends, all I had to do to get over it was to stop driving 60 miles r/t to the bar. I can't do that with Band Boy unless I quit my job! At least I sit in front of him and not in back of him where I would be sitting all day, shooting daggers into the back of his shaggy blond head with my eyes!
He is playing me, plain pure and simple. Regardless of if he realizes it or not, he is enjoying the intellectual banter of the smart girl yet interested in playing around/flirting with the skinny chicks. He knows I am upset so he offered to burn me a CD that he thought I would be interested in. He knows that gets me every time and this is the first time in a month or two he's done it. Coinsidence that it's happening this week? I don't think so!

I can't help who I like and neither can he! I get that! That is why I don't want to take this out on him as it is my issue! I don't want to burn the friendship as he truly is an awesome friend and a great guy.......mostly! But he is, after all, a guy! And we know which head guys think with.......even the non-guitar playing ones who aren't chick magnets!

I'll go! I'll be supportive! I'll be his friend! It's what I do best! And apparently, if I want male attention at all, it's what I will be doing the rest of my life!