The Future Of Dating?!?

Everyone these days is venturing into the sea of internet dating! There is plenty of it out there! Every day I sign into my email and see a banner add for a different dating site! As a single soon-to-be 41 year old, I am intrigued! What is this internet dating about? Does it work?

The weddings I have been to lately would testify to it's success! Both were E-Harmony hook ups and both are still going strong! I have to believe that the couples involved took the time to get to know each other on and off-line. I do know that both couples were Christian and have a strong foundation in Christ. That helps immensely, to be sure! However, for every successful internet dating wedding I go to, I hear several horror stories. I see profiles on Dateline about pedophiles caught in stings set up with phony internet "hook ups". I myself experienced internet dating horror just this week. I am sure my horror story was mild in comparison compared to some others. But it still makes me wonder: are all the guys out there in cyberspace pigs, freaks or weirdos?

I put up a myspace page to keep in touch with my friends. Dude emails me and tells me I am cute, can we chat. So we do! All week it's light, get to know you conversation. We have simular tastes in music and his favorite show is "The West Wing". Not the stuff life long commitment is based on, but it's a start. He seems normal. We talk hockey, and about our jobs.

Then after 3 days of emails back and forth he asks if I would like to "hook up". Now, I don't like to consider myself naive but I use that term to mean "get together.....hang out". I am aware there is a more literal translation of the term but I won't do it so I don't use it. I only wish I could of seen his face when he read my reply: "I think we should do it in public". I was thinking meeting at Starbucks. What he meant was clear when he replied "I was thinking more like the Marriott so my wife doesn't find out"!

Not all men are pigs, I do realize that. I know a couple of them that are amazing! One is married and it's been said that is the reason he is so amazing! His wife trained him to be that way! :)
The question remains: how to amazing, sane, intelligent women like me find amazing, sane, intelligent men? Can it be on the internet and is internet dating for me? Do I have what it takes to venture into the great unknown of cyberspace to find my soulmate?

I am going to keep swinging for the fences. In cyberspace or otherwise. I think dating is a law of averages! Finding that awesome guy is like finding the proverbial needle in the haystack. The more haystacks you look in, the better your chances are of finding that needle. Best case scenario, I find my soulmate! Not so best case, I find material to write about in my blog!

Men As Friends~~Is It Posssible?

This weekend I was talking to a friend of mine about guys. I was surprised to find out we have similar problems: we have found guys who aren't interested in the way we want them to be interested!

I was shocked to hear Jane has a man problem. She is one of those woman who you would think would be the last to have men issues! She is talented, funny, pretty, blonde. The type you would hate if she wasn't so wonderful! She has a friend who wants to be the "booty call" but nothing more. Jane isn't going to lower her standards to this and she shouldn't. So the friendship remains even though Jane has been yearning for something more for years.

I, like Jane, seemed to have found the perfect guy! Band Boy is talented, smart, funny, kind. He is close to his family! He is passionate about what he believes in. He volunteers and keeps up on whats going on in the world. He's a sports fan! He is self-affacing! He has confessed to a love of being in a relationship with the right person and yearns for the day he can kick back and watch his kids run around the backyard!

Reading that list of characteristics you would think he's a monk or that a guy this great must be a perfectly concocted vision of my imagination. Nope... Band Boy is real and he is a musician! You read right......a musician! A stereotype-bucking, cute, wickedly talented musician! A musician who has lived the rock star past, moved on and has grown-up! What is so hot is that while he may have grown up, he hasn't lost sight of his dream to make it in music! He has the talent and drive to make it happen and the integrity, modesty and faith to keep his head in the right place while doing it!

A friend once said finding her husband was like sending God a laundry list of what she wanted in a man and God delivering him to her door. The same could be said about Band Boy! I can't think of a characteristic on my list that Band Boy doesn't have. However, there was a hitch in my delivery. I was delivered the perfect guy and Band Boy was delivered the "buddy".
That's right, it's the age-old situation: I am the "friend that's a girl"...the buddy! I show up at his gigs and bring my friends. He supports my weight loss. Our emails are funny....supportive.....interesting! But that is where we keep it: email and the occasional phone call! Due to schedules, this is how it is! Would I love to hang, go to a concert or hockey game like I do with the rest of my friends, sure! Is it going to happen? Not likely. As frustrating as it is for me, how can I fault him for having a dream and the determination to make it happen! He is working days at the 9-5 and the rest of his waking hours working on pursuing the music career. He has no time to breathe, let alone anything else.That drive and sacrifice diferentiates the successful from the regretful. It is a very attractive quality to me! As a friend, I support that and should not be jealous of it! It isn't easy!

As I thought back to my conversations this weekend, it hit me: It wasn't disappointment I was feeling over Band Boy not liking me as more than a buddy or frustration that our friendship isn't what I want it to be. It is the fear that he is the last remaining quality guy on the planet that makes me sad!

We live in a media driven society. The media tells us that men are "only after one thing" and that the one thing is sex.......preferably with a Victoria Secret model eating a hamburger half naked while soaping down a hot rod! The average looking woman who drives her car through the car wash while eating a salad doesn't stand a chance! We are told men don't want to commit, want a young thing, just want to date! We are told they ALL go after what they want and if they don't they are "just not into you". This is why I believe women cling to the good guys like fleas on a dog! We are told they are hard to come by so if you luck into finding one, hang on!It just sucks when you do find one and he wants to be just a buddy! Or does it?

What is wrong with having a great guy friend? They can offer insight into the thinking of that weird other gender! They can explain sports and possibly fix our cars! They can support and be there for us without any of the complications of sex or restrictions of being exclusive. Women and men can learn how to relate to each other within the comfort of a friendship and not worry about rejection. There is freedom and comfortability in friendship you can trust and depend on.

This is what I have with Band Boy. As someone who has keep weight on to keep people away, I haven't had a lot of experience in relating to anyone honestly! Having Band Boy as a friend continues to be the ultimate learning experience! In the year we have been friends he has brought out the best in me. I learned early on that honesty and communication are important to any relationship, especially this one! And with that knowledge and the trust I have in our friendship, I have opened up in ways I didn't know I could. This doesn't mean we are conflict free. No way! We have just learned how to relate to each other. We are two stubborn, opinionated people! With Band Boy I have learned to not view everything as a battle! I have learned to put others feelings before mine! I have learned that honesty and vulnerability don't always come back to bite you in the rear! And we both learned that with humor, honesty and understanding, we can overcome any difference we may have!

Support is crucial in friendship and I think we do that for each other! I support the chase of the dream by getting the word out about gigs and going to see him play! I bring my friends and we have a blast! I am there to listen when need be and push......nag, maybe......to get him to slow down! As with any good friendship this support goes both ways! He is the best "food police" I could ask for and supports my weight loss effort wholeheartedly! I know I can count on him for advice with friend trouble, work trouble, fellow "groupie" trouble! My best friends love him and wish they could find a guy like him!

Writing this blog has revealed to me that is it possible for men and women to be friends! Band Boy and I are proof positive of this! Women should stop whining that these wonderful friendships with men aren't what we want them to be and embrace them for what they are!

Besides, who knows what will happen in the future! Jane told me this weekend that she knows God has a great guy picked out for her and when she finds him, it will be so easy! She is right! I think I am going to abandon the fear of Band Boy being the last good guy on earth. I am sure God will find a way to put me together with the perfect guy for me! When he does, it will be amazing! If it eventually becomes Band Boy, great. If it doesn't, I will still have one of the most amazing friends!

Some wise person once said "You can't pick your family, thank God you can pick your friends". My friends are my surrogate family! I love them all! Friends are a true gift from God and treasure them! And with their love and support, I will take full advantage of this season of being single! I will have fun without being tied down, dare to pursue the dreams I want, stay up all night and watch chick flicks or hockey, flirt shamelessly and live life to the fullest! I will be sharing this with all my awesome friends and I can't think of a better way to live!

Another Band, Another Decade!

Musicians. I love them, gavitate toward them, understand them! I speak fluent musician and always have! I don't remember when this started as finding musicians growing up was not as much of having friends in a band as it was having friends IN BAND! Yes, I am a band/drama geek and I have hung around the 'artsy' types all my life. I have always been drawn to the creativity, the energy, the passion. And while I can't pinpoint the time this all started, I do know exactly where I was the first time I heard the words that would change the landscape of my social life forever. Those words were "wanna come see my band play"?

The year was 1984, the music was new wave and the hair was big! It was my first year out of high school and my first job out of McDonalds. Matt Valentine, my co-worker at JC Penney Catalog, was the bass guitarist for "The American Ladds". The Ladds were a Duran Duran-type pop band and played clubs all around LA. JC Penny was an atmosphere ripe for band promotion! A cubicle farm who's inhabitants were 20-somethings with time on their hands!

It's Been One Year

It has been a year since my gastric bypass surgery! It has been 92 boxes of two point bars...........countless egg white omelettes.........1 point pitas..........skinny cow ice creams.........laughing cow cheese.......flat diet cherry pepsi..........boneless skinless chicken breasts galore......

Yet it isn't all about the food. I have made immense emotional strides as well! I have learned that inner peace is a work in progress. I have learned that I don't have to always be right. I have learned that the feelings of others can be of equal importance as my own and sometimes they can be even more important. I have learned the importance of faith and the leaning on that faith to get me through when it used to take food. I have learned to laugh more and judge less.
It has been 365 days since my surgery. 365 days........45 Weight Watcher meetings........52 weeks...........95 pounds. I am quick to say I have ONLY lost 95 pounds. 95 pounds is a major accomplishment and for me it is only 1/2 way! When I do think of the loss as only 95, I do get discouraged! Discouraged with myself for falling off the wagon and losing the same 3 pounds for the last 2 1/2 months. Yes.........I haven't gained but I haven't been moving forward either!
There has been a lot going on the last couple of months that have given me the excuse to overeat. I first had to lose the 5 holiday pounds that I let myself get away with. I used food to deal with crappy holiday stress! It used to be a 10-12 pound gain. This time it was only 5.
Once that 5 pounds was lost....again.... I found more excuses not to hit my 100 pound loss! Eating over the stress of my friendship with "Band Boy" and my self-imposed financial mess were my top two. However, the excuses didn't have to be about me. I found myself eating over Michelle's stress with "drummer boy", Bodie Miller's tanking at the Olympics, my Mom and sister fighting over what to do with the ailing health of my Grandfather. Shoot......I was even eating because Meredith screwed over George on "Greys". ( I am such a George.......friend to all, loved by none).

The key to this is the word "was". I WAS eating over all these things. It has been one year since my weight loss surgery. One year of changing both physically and mentally. To stop the progress now would be sad. To go back to the way I was would be tragic! I can't do it! No Band Boy or financial mess is worth it! Those things are temporary! I'll survive both of them only if I stay on the road to good health.

Today I start fresh. I am going to not rest on my laurals but move forward. I am not done with this. I will be a foodie the rest of my life. I have come a long way but have a long way to go. I will look at my current weight as the starting point to my new year of weight loss! Today is the one year anniversary of my gastric bypass surgery but it is the first day of the rest of my life. I want to live that life active, healthy and at my goal weight. That journey starts today!

Awesome Jovi Show

WOW! I can't believe the show I saw last night! In 20 years, I have seen roughly 45 Bon Jovi shows in 7 states, including 4 shows at Giant's Stadium in New Jersey! Last nights Staples Center show was the best I have ever seen the band!

On my way home, I thought back to the show and tried to figure out what about it was so amazing! The first thing that came to mind was the energy. From the first note the band played, the sold out crowd of 19,000 was on their feet! And it didn't look like many sat down the entire night! From "Last Man Standing" and "Complicated" to the ole standbys of "Livin on A Prayer" and "Runaway" the band played with the same high-octane energy that they did back when they had something to prove. Yet, Jon and Richie could have sat on two barstools and played like the veterans they are and we all would have loved them! Not this band! This band cranked it up 3 notches and kept it there all night! The electricity in the air reminded me of the shows of the "Slippery" tour!

Then I thought of the fact that there was little stage banter and lots of music! For over 2 1/2 hours, we were treated to new songs, old songs, cover songs! Shan and I discussed on the way down what we wanted to hear! I wanted "Complicated" and she wanted Richie to sing "I'll Be There For You". We got that and more! Even a song that I am kind of tired of, "Bad Medicine" was revved up and rockin like I never heard it before! For the first time in at least two tours, that song was one of my favorites of the night!

It was nice to hear Jon has kind of lightened up on his view of California! Two of my favorite shows have happened here and the one in `93 had Jon saying it was the best of their career (at that time). Hopefully after 20 years he has come to realize that we aren't all that bad! :)
I think if I had to put this into a word, the word would be gratitude! The fans are grateful the band loves us like they do and gives their all. And it was apparent in the way they played and in some things that were said that the band is grateful we have all shared in this journey together. And we are all grateful it's a journey that shows no signs of ending!

Friendship Jovi Style

As I sat Staples last night watching my friends on the floor from my seat in the rafters, I thought about what Bon Jovi and their music has meant to the last 20 years of my life, the same two words kept popping into my head: love and friendship.

When I first heard the band, I was 21 and living on my own for the first time! A friend of mine lent me this new album she just bought and said to put it on when I felt lonely. She said it was a granteed, drug-free high". The album was Slippery When Wet. Since then, I have come to depend on Bon Jovi to lift me when I am down and to be there to celebrate with me when there is reason to. Just like the band is to each other, their music is to me: true friends.

In the past 20 years, I have also come to find that there are no better friends than other Jovi fans. The band has a comraderie with each other that just rubs off on all of us. We are a like a family. We are sometimes dysfunctional but we are as united in our love for each other as our love for the band! We fight and get back together. We suffer the down times together and keep each other informed. We celebrate birthdays, births, weddings, divorces and the all around craziness of life. We share amazing experiences like singing on the radio to win tickets to a club show or traveling together across country to see the band in New Jersey, as my friend Cindy and I did for the last two tours! I have met Canadian and Japanese Jovi friends as well as friends from all across America! We cross cultural backgrounds as well as thousands of miles!

As I look back at the last 20 years on my life, I think back to the friendships that faded and the new ones that formed. I thought back to the jobs lost and the one I have had for the last 7 years. I thought about the times I have moved and the home I have now. The one sole constant in my life is Bon Jovi! Their music and love of their fans is something I hang on to when everything else in my life is chaotic! And I can always depend on the music and the friendship to keep me going!

LUUUUUC!!!!

I was so excited to go to Tip A King this year! I was on a mission! The mission being to catch up to Luc Robitaille and let him see how much I have changed!

So I stood in his line for 2 1/2 hours! I was thrilled when they closed the line right after I got in it! As I waited, I thought of the last 19 years! The first time I met him outside the Forum with his then girlfriend Nancy Mckeon waiting for him......standing out in the rain at Culver City Ice Rink to sing Happy Birthday to him in French..... all the gifts and pictures........the charity softball and hockey games...how he would call me by name and ask how school was going....how proud I was when he went home to Montreal the Kings first trip to the Stanley Cup finals.......the heartbreak when he was first traded....the joy when he came back to Anaheim as a Ranger and came down from his hotel room to say hi to me....... all the amazing goals and games won.......how I cried like a baby watching him skate with the Cup and wishing like Hell he was doing it here.......

I finally got up to him and was thrilled he recognized me and asked where I had been. I told him since the team moved downtown he was a little harder to get to. When I showed him the old picture of the two of us and told him that was 95 pounds ago he said three words I will NEVER forget: "You look amazing"! I was thrilled! We talked a little about him winning the cup and how we both wish he does it again here! After we took a current picture I told him he was going to be my "before and after" pictures he laughed and told me not to be a stranger! I said ok and he told me again how great I look!

WOW! WOW! WOW! I think I floated to the back of the line and couldn't wait to tell Shannon! I tell you, I will live forever on this one compliment! This is why I have loved Luc for 19 years and he will always be in my heart! What a sweet and classy guy!

I am going to work hard so this time next year, at Tip A King 2007, I'll have a new picture to take with Luc. The final weight loss picture. God willing, I will be at my goal weight and he will have won his 2nd Cup, this time with the Kings!

ONE MONTH!!

Wow! I can't believe it has been one month! It just seems like yesterday I was inquiring as to whether or not this would be a good idea! It turned out to be the best thing I ever did! No complications.....really speedy recovery.....WOW!

I finally figured out how to balance my scale at home and it says 288! That would be 52 pounds! I am on track to be over 85 pounds down at my 3 month post-op appointment in June! Wouldn't that be awesome! But I am trying not to count on that! What really matters is how I feel and that is wonderful! For the first time in well over a year, I am not only sleeping for a full 7 hours but sleeping in the bed and not a chair! I am also getting up on my 15 minute breaks and just taking a short walk around our building! Exercise, which was once so foreign to me, is now becoming a way of life! I look for social activities that involve walking, not shy away from them.

Exactly one month to the day of my surgery, I found a protein shake I really like! I mix a cappucchino one with a french vanilla one and drink it all day! Not only do I get 54 grams of protein but also 125 mg of caffeine! :) It does figure that this would happen the week I start to incorporate food! :)

The food thing is amazing to me as well. The person who used to drive through Carls Jr. for breakfast and order a breakfast star combo and french toast sticks now can barely finish 1/2 of a Yopliat yogurt! That is so wild! But I am finding that there are certain foods I just have a struggle with: mashed potatoes! I could live on them! The garlic mashed from the Outdoor Grill in Northridge are especially dangerous! I can't stop eating them when they are around. Well....I do stop and far sooner than I usually would but it is tough! Right now, they are fine because I am only getting in around 500 calories but they are a trigger food that should be avoided! My stomach is so small that I would be wiser to put protein and good veggie carbs in there so I can eventually kick the protein shakes for good! Yippee!

What is letting me know that the surgery will result in permanent change is that I can recognize the mashed potatoes as the comfort/trigger food they have been all my life! I know this and can now either work with them or avoid them. I can't believe I am finally able to see this! This is the great thing about this process! After detoxing all the junk out of my system, I can really appreciate food! The tastes.....the textures....the smells! I have never stopped shoveling the food in to really enjoy it! I have always looked at food as a thing to fear and not a thing to enjoy! Food is really just fuel for our body, right! Well....what if God just made these less than wonderful shakes to nourish our bodies? No barbeque chicken....broccoli...spinich omelettes or even mashed potatoes? We are blessed that the nourishment we need for our bodies comes in such a wonderful wide variety! I can't believe how much I used to abuse that by eating such junk and mass quantities of it! It is amazing that I ended up as healthy as I am! Praise God!

Now if I could only figure out how to do protein drink...food ....AND water! I am up to two glasses of water (24 oz total) and try to get in more every day! I just need to get a routine down!

Love from this work in progress,
Cynthia :)

Back To The Real World

Today marks the first day back to work! The first day back to the 5Am-10PM schedule! Work-Gym-Activity-Home! Ya know what, I am thrilled to be back to reality! I like having my old routine back!

Eating...or lack thereof....is still a challenge but I think I am getting the hang of it! Protein shake and water alternating every 1/2 hour with pureed (baby) food for 1 half hour for lunch and dinner! And since I have been putting my protein shake in a water bottle, it is easy to transport! Great for my crazy schedule!

Work today was great! People are noticing the weight loss! 53 pounds total! I can walk without feeling like I am going to die! I am much happier!

:)

TWO WEEKS DOWN!!

Wow! Has it been two weeks? I can't believe how time flies! But it has been a good two weeks! I got plenty of rest and worked on building my energy up! I guess the energy building worked! I felt well enough to sing in all 5 Easter services this weekend! What a blessing!

Yesterday was my two week post-op visit with my doctor! For the first time in my life I was excited to get weighed. The grand total is 36 pounds lost! That is 20 pounds in the two weeks since the surgery! WOW! It was a short visit with the doctor because I am doing so well! He basically said that if I felt like doing it, go ahead and do it! So tomorrow the girls and I are going to Disneyland! I need to walk and that is a great place to walk! Plus if I get tired, there are plenty of places to rest and people watch!

Another blessing is that I got the ok to get back in the pool! YEAH! I swam 30 minutes today and will try to work every day to get up to my pre-op time of 45 minutes in the pool!

So today I start with blended foods. It took me the better part of the AM to get my protein shake in but thanks to a friends blessing I finally found one I like! I am going home to have 4 oz of blended chicken and vegges! After 16 days of nothing but water and proteing drink, I am very excited!

This is such an amazing journey and such a wonderful gift from God! From the pre-weight loss to the surgery to the recovery and fasting, I have had no problems! I am so blessed!

:)

4 Days Post Op!! Yeah!

Wow! What a crazy experience this has been! I will be honest and tell you that if I had known exactly what I was in for, I may not have done it. But I am glad I did!

I was rushed into surgery on Tuesday morning. My scheduled time was 11:30 AM but the guy before me was late. So they took me first! What a blessing! The minute I hit the doors to get prepped for surgery, I paniced! I didn't have enough time for it to be enough for me to back out because I immediately got undressed and met with Dr. Dutson's assistant and the two anesthesiologists! The said they were giving me something to calm my nerves.....and then that was it! Next thing I remember was seeing Dr. Dutson was in the ICU, where I was being monitored for my sleep apnea! He told me they found a birth defect that almost cancelled my surgery! My diaphragm had formed a pocket and my intestines were pushed up inside it! How weird! They decided to go ahead with the surgery since I had been living with the defect without complication. Dr. Dutson said he pulled my intestines back where they are supposed to be and that we will talk about it 100 pds from now!

The first 24 hours I was in ICU. The nurses in ICU were great! They brought me cold wash clothes for my face and almost let me wait until after American Idol to go for a walk. That is, until the doc came in and made me go! :) I had visitors and calls that night so I was ok! They didn't even mind me pushing the pain med button every 5 minutes even though it only works every 15! :) I was only there to be monitored for my sleep apnea. They had me hooked up to a machine that seemed to wake me whenever I dosed off! I guess that was a good thing!

The next 24 hours was on the surgery ward in a semi-private room! The pain was slowly getting better! I only asked for the Oxycontin twice! I had a great nurse who just advised me to breath thru the pain and to get up and walk it off! I won't lie and tell you all was smooth! The drain they put in causes the most amazing pain and the catheter is painful and annoying! But walking and breathing made it much better! I took so many laps around the ward, the nurses would set their watches by me!

Everyday feels better and better! Yesterday I got up to about 40 grams of protein and took two walks around my caul de sac. Today I am at the library typing this! I also achieved a major milestone in that I went to IHOP with my Mom for breakfast and didn't feel sorry or tempted at all! Oh, sure! Everything looked and smelled great! I just didn't care. I sat and sipped my Isopure every 15 minutes, knowing that in 8 months or so I can have a bite of pancakes!

I am so glad this is over! Anyone with questions, feel free to ask!

The best is yet to come!

Cynthia

This Is It!!!

Wow! It is t-minus 4 hours and counting! 11:30 today! My mom and I are in a hotel room in Santa Monica, just minutes from the hospital! I have to check in a 9AM so we decided to come out last night to avoid the traffic! It's been nice having time with my Mom!

I had been a little nervous about the non-eating after the surgery but after the last two days of clear liquids only, non-eating isn't an issue! I just tell myself food is only fuel for the engine and nothing else. Then I pray! That worked real well! The craving for bagels and cream cheese went away today! :)

I also learned how important getting the protein in is! I tried to run errands yesterday and really felt crummy! Grape juice and chicken broth don't do much for energy. Starting tomorrow I am on a liquid protein diet!

I can't wait! I sat at home yesterday and when hunger pangs hit, I got out the new issue of Vogue and looked at all the new outfits I am going to wear! When I got nervous, I thought of my upcoming shopping spree in New York. And when I realized I may not be able to afford that, I started thinking about shopping at Old Navy! I can't wait! By July or so, I should be able to shop at Old Navy! I love Old Navy! :)

Well.....the time has come! I am really going to do this! I can't believe it is here already! This time tomorrow I will be a completely remodeled person. But as my Mom just reminded me, I will still be me...just in a better body! That doesn't sound so bad!

:)

I Will Say Yes!!

Wow! My life will be so different in just one short week! This is so crazy to even think about! No more gum, Advil, eating fast or drinking with meals! No popcorn, no sugar, limited caffeine! No food for a month, blended food for the month after that! Yikes! However, in just a few short weeks/months it will be no more squeezing into booths at restaraunts! No more being pulled out of curbside check-in at the airport so they can make sure I fit in the seat and no more seat belt extenders! No more declining trips to Magic Mountain because I can't ride the roller coasters. Mo more worrying about limitations in dressing cool for summer and no more shopping at "fat" stores. No more struggling with standing for 20 minutes to sing at church! Those trade offs seem more than fair! I will choose the latter set of "no mores" over the first few in New York minute!

Life is about choices. We always have a choice. And with choices comes responsibility and consequenses. For the first 40 years of my life, I blamed everything and everyone else for my lifestyle. It was their fault I was miserable! And the consequences of not following healthy habits were not severe to me: lonliness, limited clothes choices, mobility limitations. I haven't had a real date in my adult life. I talked myself into not caring. I just made myself busy with work and my limited social life so I wouldn't think about it. There was a reason I hated being by myself, being quiet! I didn't want to think about how miserable, lonely and sad I truly was!

Once I owned up to this lifestyle, I realised you can only play the blame game for so long. And then it is all up to you! I am not going to be the 40 year old grossly obese woman who uses a motorized cart to get around Vons! I just AM NOT going to be that woman! I am not going to turn down nights out with my friends because I could barely walk from the car to the hockey arena! I am not going to read the travel section of the paper and only wish I could go hiking or surfing!

The first 40 years of my life were about what I couldn't do. The next 40+ years of my life will be about the new things I can do! There will be no limitations! Instead of saying no, I will say yes!

I will say yes to walking, swimming, rollerblading on the Strand. Yes to going to the gym and loving it! Yes to skiing in Tahoe, surfing in Hawaii and hiking in Yosemite! I will say yes to biking in Catalina and wave running on Lake Mohave!

I will say yes to flirty, short dresses, strappy sandles and sleeveless shirts. I will say yes to tailored jackets, cute skirts and a shopping trip to Barneys in New York for new clothes! I will say yes to reading fashion magazines for more than just makeup tips!

I will say yes to being emotionally available and fearless with my relationships!I will say yes to forgivness and no to bitternes! I will say yes to tolerence and love! I will say yes to the hurt and not shy away, knowing that it is part of the process! I will say yes to getting out there and giving dating a shot! I will say yes to not having my weight to hide behind! I will say yes to a date with Ryan Seacrest, George Clooney or Brad Pitt. Or to the cute, nice guy I meet at Starbucks or church! I will say yes to marriage, knowing that with God and two people willing to work at it, marriage does work. I will say yes to marriage, knowing it is worth the struggle! I will say yes to continuing helping others with their kids, knowing that saying no to having my own is best for me! :)

I will say yes to viewing food as fuel for the engine! And to say yes to food being fuel, I will have to say no to food being a best friend, boyfriend, or nurturing parent. I will say yes to the occasional indulgence within what is reasonable but will no longer say yes to my boys, Ben and Jerry, when I am lonely or stressed!

I will say yes to God supplanting food is my strength and comfortor! I will say yes to asking Him what he wants for my life and actually listening! I will say yes to following His purpose and call for my life! I will say yes to His love and grace!

As I write this, I feel so free! I feel unafraid of what is ahead! What is a few weeks of chicken broth and blended chicken when I have the rest of my life to say yes to all that God will give me! And I know what he is going to give me will be amazing! Far better than any food!

I can't wait! Bring it on!

:)

Revising My Motivation!

***Sigh*** Just found out that concert is standing room for $80 and for $158 you might be able to get a seat in the back! :( Oh, well! I know insanity when I hear it and to do that only 4 weeks post-op is crazy! Even for the love of Bon Jovi. I can see myself doubled over, trying to tell the paramedics to pick me up along the 15, between the two cactus next to the huge tumbleweed! LOL! Not worth it, I keep telling myself! Oh, well! They are going on tour soon and i'll catch up with them and all my fellow crazies later. I am sure i'll see them on my 40th birthday.....in June......somewhere in the world.....a much thinner and healthier person!

Here is my new motivation: 4 years ago I was in NJ for the Bon Jovi shows at Giant's Stadium. My friend Cindy and I went to Asbury Park and took our picture along the boardwalk. I knew then I wanted to come back and take the exact same picture but as a much lighter person! I can't believe that is almost a reality!

:)

MOTIVATION!!!

Isn't God great? He knows exactly what will motivate me to do what I am supposed to do to aid in my recovery! Yep........it's a Bon Jovi show! April 10....Hard Rock Casino in Las Vegas! Do I want to go? You bet? Am I going to jepordize my health or my success? No. However, you can best believe it will be question #1 when I have my 2 week post-op visit with my doctor!

For those of you currently thinking I need to be committed, let me fill you in on the obessesion that is Bon Jovi! I have loved the band since I was 21! Their music has helped through some amazingly tough times, however, it isn't all bad. Some of the most amazing experiences of my 39 years have been because of my love of this band! I have traveled across the country to see their homecoming shows at Giants Stadium in NJ. I stood on my desk and sang the Star Spangled Banner at work while my boss pretended to moon me on Mark N Brian to be among 200 people to see them in a club on the Sunset Strip (got right up against the stage, close enough to read the brand of Jon's tennis shoes....AMAZING!!!). I risked a tresspassing arrest to meet Jon after an interview back in 1990. Among the craziness and fun, I have met some of the most amazing people and made wonderful friends! And I still hold fast to the dream that I will become thin and gourgous just to coincide with Jon having a mid-life crisis, moving to California, becoming a Christian rocker and ending up on a Rocky Peak worship team! That is a God sized dream to be sure! :)

So this Bon Jovi craziness has some history! Will I be able to go? Probably not. Do I welcome the possiblity as motivation? You bet! I just finished my 1st 15 minute walk today and will do another at lunch. I'll be drinking my protein every 15 minutes after surgery no matter how bad it tastes! I'll be doing short walks within my limits and following my post-op plans to the letter!

It is so important to have long and short term goals and God's timing is so dead on perfect! This is such a GOD THING!! He knows EXACTLY what it takes to motivate me :)

:)

TWO WEEKS!!!!

Wow! As of today, I have exactly two weeks until my surgery! I am getting excited! I started a collage of things I want to be/do after my surgery! My first thing was a picture of a gourgous size 10 outfit from Mosichino----$985!!! Much cheaper is my picture of someone surfing a wave in Hawaii! I need to find a picture of people hiking in Yosemite!

My Mom is being so awesome! So is everyone! My roommate Val, my best friends Terri and Shan, and my wonderful, loving and most awesome church family!!!! God has blessed me with love and friendship to the depths of which I never could imagine but always hoped I would have!! I could have never thought about doing this without each person who blesses and enriches my life! You are all amazing!

:)

WAHOOOO! Pre-Op Was A Success! :)

WHEW! I am glad that major step is over!! After 4 1/2 hours at UCLA, I am now cleared for surgery! I lost 16 of my required 17 pounds and I was told they rarely see someone so healthy. The nurse told me once I get my weight off, I will be in awesome shape! That is so great to hear! When you are 200 pounds overweight and the media is pounding in to you the dangers of obeisity, you get scared! To my huge benefit, I am doing this while I am still young and the dangers haven't taken their toll yet! I have a feeling that I am doing this just in the nick of time!

The most amazing thing I found out is that my blood sugar has dropped from 120 to 99! WOW! Amazing what no fast food and exercise will do!

I am already planning my shopping expedition for new clothes...........IN NEW YORK!! God is so awesome! He has planned my surgery to coinside with JetBlue's new service from Burbank to JFK for $217 RT!!!!!!! Going to save $$$, WW points and time off so I can go to Barneys, Tiffanys and Jimmy Choos! If that isn't motivation, I don't know what is!

I will close this update with something I found on the coaster at this Brewery I was at last night...."Beauty is in the eye of the BEER HOLDER"! Words to live by!

Luv,
The soon to be thinner but poorer...Cynthia :)

February-The Month of Discovery!

Well, here we are at the end of February! Six months after I inquired about the surgery and I am scheduled to have it on March 15!! Wow! I prayed and prayed that if God didn't want this to happen, He would close the doors and let me be at peace with that! That SO hasn't happened!!! I know people who struggle for upwards of 2 years to get this surgery approved and it didn't even take me 6 months!!! I am so convinced that it is a God thing!! This whole process is! From the approvals to the relative ease I am having with exercising and eating right! He is so awesome!

But it isn't over by a long shot! I have my pre-op appointment on Friday and I am not sure how close i'll be to my inital weight loss goal. Last weekend at WW, I was up .4 for a total weight loss of 13.8. I have been real good this week! Drinking tons of water and not bingeing! I feel lighter, if that makes sense! I also swam 1 hour on Monday and I am going to shoot for that again tonight!

The success for me is in what I am learning about my body and the effects of what I put in it. I was excited to learn about protein and how not getting any affects my energy level! The day I had no protein I could barely swin a 1/2 hour much less my normal 45 minutes!! I am learning amazing things from my WONDERFUL WW leader, Rosie. For example, it takes 3,500 calories over your daily 1, 200 to gain a pound! So when I eat that one piece of chocolate (or 4 garlic rolls from Pizza Cookery) and feel like I have totally blown it, I probably haven't. That is, as long as get right back on the wagon! "It is not what you do, it is what you do NEXT", right Rosie?? :)

I also learned a HUGE lesson about sugar! I had a major indescretion that led me to feeling totally miserable for over 24 hours! I hadn't had processed sugar in over a month and went on a total feeding frenzy at a reception! I was eating lemon bars and making noises that shouldn't be made in public! So, I fought myself tooth and nail and went to the gym! Even though I couldn't get there until 10PM! I just wanted that junk out of my body and to never feel that way again!! I think about it when I start to eat sugar! I can't even start it because it is like alcohol to an alcoholic! So I have become real good about reading labels! The food industry has really sneaky ways of calling sugar things other than sugar. High fructose corn syrup and Corn syrup are the main culprits! Did you know that high fructose corn syrup is the first ingrediant on the McNugget sauce packet? READ LABELS!! I discovered my Just Chicken at Trader Joes wasn't on my WW plan because it was soaked in Pineapple juice! Who knew that Just Chicken wasn't just that! LOL!

That leads me to my next discovery: the evils of fast food! I have come to think of the fast food industry as one of my worst enemys. Now, there are fast food places that I can work with such as Koo Koo Roo and on some degree, El Pollo Loco. But as any one who as seen the movie "Super Size Me" knows, fast food is all around not good! Hidden sugar in most everything and they manipulate us like mad! So I just don't go there! We did an exercise in one of my pre-op classes at UCLA where we calculated the fat, calories and carbs of what we used to eat on a regular day. I added up my day where I would eat Carls Jr for breakfast and Taco Bell for dinner. 3,558 calories, 391 carbs and 154 fat grams!!! OH MY WORD!! Was that an eye opening exercise!

Afer cutting out most fast food (definately all burger and mexican ones) I realized that it wasn't the taste but the convenience that I needed. So my new fast food of choice is Trader Joes!! I love that place! I am in there just about every other day! I can find good ready to eat meals as well as great quick dinner ideas! I don't cook, I assemble. So I get their Just Shrimp and their Asian Stir Fry Veggies with the Soy Sauce. 6 minutes in a wok and I have enough for 2 meals. The whole meal is just 3 points and I can cut that out if I don't use the sauce! I sometimes even add the microwave brown rice (3 minutes and no points on the core WW plan). I have come to enjoy trying to make existing recipies core and finding quick and easy healthy meals that aren't boring!

I have also come to love my exercise! Thanks to the awesome support of my loving friend Dave, I am up to swimming at least 45 minutes a day, 3-4 days a week. I motivate myself by looking forward to the jacuzzi soak afterwards! I also use that 45 minutes as meditation or prayer time! It is so relaxing! The wonderful thing is that I am finding myself scheduling my social life around my exercise time! I almost turned down a chance to go to a hockey game because I wouldn't be able to go to the gym. I decided to go in the AM instead! I have to switch to walking next week as I can't swim for 6 weeks after surgery and had to freeze my gym membership 1st of the month. I am a little nervous about that as walking has always killed my knees and ankles. I am hoping new walking shoes will be the cure to that! I have never had a good pair of exercise shoes and have always used that as a crutch! Now I don't have a choice! I am going to try a 30 minute walk and see how it goes. If it doesn't, i'll just cut that time in 1/2 and see how that goes!

I can finally see light at the end of this tunnel! I am living a much healthier life and will continue to do so! My energy and self-esteem has skyrocketed just with the 13 pound loss. I don't think it is the loss as much as the fact I am finally making positive changes in my life! I am emailing Ryan Secreast asking for a date, reading my fashion magazines knowing that in a few months i'll be reading them for more than just makeup tips and just feeling all around great about life! But even more important is that i'll have a life to live! I'll be able to walk without pain and sleep through the night! I'll be able to sing more than a couple of words without being winded. I'll be a visable witness to the power of God! It doesn't get any better than that!

My 40th birthday is in June and I am giving myself the best gift ever! I feel I am giving myself a new lease on life! What a great reason to look forward to my 40s. After all, 40 IS the new 30!

More updates to come! Love to all!

Cynthia

The Past 6 Months-January

Well....I hit January with no set plan in how I was going to lose my weight! I was getting nervous! I was conscience of what I was eating and why, but knew I really needed to get on a plan that works and is sensible! So off to Weight Watchers I went! I started their "core" plan, which is eating lean meats, veggies, fruit, whole grains and non-fat dairy without counting or journaling. Then you have an bonus 35 points a week to play around with! It made sense! Eat healthy 95% of the time and then the other 5% of the time won't have that much of an impact! I lost 10 pounds and started to feel much better!

The real blessing came in the form of my dear friend Dave. He so graciously offered to not only be my accountablity partner in exercise but to help pay for my gym membership! I started on 1/8 swimming up the lane and then walking back. I did this for a half hour. After the first couple of weeks, swimming at least 4 days a week, I was feeling less winded as I walk and the knees and back felt stronger! It helped immensely knowing that he would be there to root me on. That and I would have a 15 minute soak in the jacuzzi waiting for me AFTER my swim! The jacuzzi soak has become the best part of my day!

More importantly is that I felt better about the surgery knowing I was getting a healthy lifestyle in place! I am starting to see this is really going to work and I am looking foward to the new me!

:)

The Past 6 Months--The Consultation

I can not believe it has been six months since I have written! There have been amazing changes and even more excitement is on the horizon!

First...the consultation! Mom and Brianna flew out from Arizona on the Friday before the consultation. We picked up Ally from Westlake and had a great weekend together! Saturday we went to the movies and bowling, Sunday we went out to Bucca Di Beppo with Mom's church gang and then out to Santa Monica. It was a real nice visit with no fighting or arguing! Mom was real supportive and maybe a little more nervous than I was!

Monday morning we are off to UCLA. I am the 2nd appointment of the day and when I get there the waiting room is packed! Some people smaller than me, some larger but all are waiting to here about a procedure that is bound to change their life!

Dr. Dutson was thorough in explaining the surgery and it's effects on weight and lifestyle. Mom asked him all the questions she needed to and I could tell she felt much better after hearing this isn't some "fly by the seat of their pants" outfit. After our questions were answered and a brief checkup, I met with Debbie, the nurse/program coordinator. It was then that I found out I had to lose 17-34 pounds before they will do surgery. This is 5-10% of my weight. They require this to not only get my lifestyle changes in place but to greatly decrease the risks of surgery! **sigh** Having to do this makes me more nervous than the surgery itself! So I weigh in: 340!!!
Wow! My highest weight ever!!! Ok...God has brought me to this, He will get me through it! I have to have these 17 pounds off by my tentative surgery date in March. I have to get it off sooner or later.

I felt encouraged and determined leaving UCLA! I could see light at the end of the tunnel for the first time in my life. I could begin to believe that nothing tastes as good as thin is going to feel! And feeling better is the focus! I can't wait until walking doesn't hurt and sleep come easy! But first, these 17 pounds had to come off in the face of Thanksgiving, a cruise and Christmas with my family. If I can overcome these obsticles, the rest should be relatively easy! :)